Friday, April 21, 2006

Pass The Freedom Fries

Current mood: unsympathetic

Category: News and Politics

Ben & Jerry's sorry for Irish "Black & Tan" upset
Fri Apr 21, 2:39 PM ET

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan" -- the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence.


Politically correct ice cream? What's next? "Black Cherry"? "Rocky Road"?

The British have a dessert called Spotted Dick, and nobody's knickers are in a twist - except maybe Michael Jackson's.

What's the big deal?
Better Safe Than Sorry

Current mood: curious, but wary

Category: Life

I just received a junk email with the subject line, "Stronger Orgasms And Climaxes". I deleted it without opening it, but it got me thinking - and now, I'm confused.

Aren't orgasms and climaxes the same thing? If not, how would I know which one I'm having?

Could I be having both at the same time? It feels like it.

Which brings me to my next question: If their product works, does Medicare cover hospitalization?

The Attack Of The Mutant Mammaries

Current mood: epidemiological

Category: Life

Case of bubonic plague confirmed in L.A.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- A woman is in stable condition with bubonic plague, the first confirmed human case in Los Angeles County since 1984, health officials said Tuesday.

The woman, who was not identified, was admitted to a hospital April 13 with a fever, swollen lymph nodes and other symptoms. A blood test confirmed the bacterial disease, and she was given antibiotics, officials said.


Not so. Los Angeles County has many thousands of women with boobonic plague - more of them than any other county in America, since Los Angeles is the center of the entertainment industry and women with implants in L.A. are a dime a dozen.

When bionic boobs migrate or spring a leak, they can stimulate the auto-immune system, causing chronic inflammation and rheumatoid arthritis and more rarely, in some women, life-threatening conditions, such as lupus.
Isn't It Rich? Aren't We A Pair? You With Your Head Up Your Ass, Me In Despair"

Current mood: inconsolable

Category: Romance and Relationships

Send In The Clones

To him who thinks that I am three

I say there's only one of me.
Perhaps if I were four or more,
he'd find what he is looking for.
But one is all there is of me,
and that's the one he cannot see.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)
Neurolinguistics 101

Current mood: desperately seeking a glazier


Thanks, Ken, for your eloquent, albeit belated defense of Muslim women (posted on today's Delicious Demon board.)

As a man born in 1936, you can be forgiven an occasional linguistic lapse, but I would suggest that your use of the phrase "their women" seriously weakens your argument. It contributes to, rather than challenges the perception that Muslim women "belong to" the men.

The fact that women in most traditional Muslim societies are regarded as chattel makes it especially important not to employ language that reflects and reinforces their subservient position when you are questioning the status quo.

As for sexual ineptitude and insensitivity, I totally agree with your theory that men who cover up women from head to toe probably don't have a clue what do once the clothes come off - other than the old "insert tab A in slot B" routine. And that's assuming the clothes do come off. (Maybe the burqa stays on, and there's a little porthole or something down there?)

Not that further proof is needed, but the millions of clitoridectomies performed each year on Muslim women attest to the fact that a woman's pleasure is the last thing the man is concerned with. His first concern is obliterating the source of it.

If female sexuality is so threatening that it requires genital mutilation, one can only imagine how unfulfilling (and painful) sex must be for the woman.

Almost as bad as having intercourse with a man whose boner could cut glass.


Update: And while I'm on your case, the word "performance", when used to describe what goes on between two (ok, Ken -- for you I'll make that two or more) people is infelicitous, to say the least. Performance is too close to competition. I would hate to think that the man who is making love to me is "performing", and God knows, if I worried about how I measured up against women who'd had more experience - - and that's all of them, except nuns - - I'd never have sex.

If people are reasonably healthy, curious , uninhibited , playful and affectionate, sex is bound to be good. If it isn't good, it will be because something else is wrong between them.

And if they love each other, it will be spectacular.
Your True Colors Are Showing, And So Is Your Ass

Current mood: very disappointed in Ken.

Category: Life

It doesn't surprise me that there are more than a few male chauvinist pigs on the aptly named Pork Chop's Delicious Demon website. If I were still posting there, I'd ask about those seventy-seven virgins the men propose to "collect" (Ken's word) and "give" to would-be suicide bombers, as a deterrent.

PS Art, characteristically, doesn't seem to object. She may be a male chauvinist sow, for all I know. She tends to defer to the alpha males.

My question for the fellas:

Do these virgins volunteer to be deflowered by strangers (ie. raped) or are they conscripted as war materiel?

(Deeplip, who would like to "collect" a few of you oinkers and "give" you to seventy-seven angry women with dildos.)

Joseph Suglia
I have no idea what all of this is about, Connie, but the title of the entry caught my attention.

It's very telling that you used the word entry, Joseph. Nothing escapes my attention. And yes, if that's what it takes, I definitely can get a man's attention.

"You've Gotta Ac-cent-tchu-ate The Positive......" (Johnny Mercer & Harold Arlen - 1944)

Current mood: sanguine

Category: Life


Inside every


old man

is an unhappy old man


to get out.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)
Take Two Lithium And Call Me In The Morning

Current mood: compassionate

Category: Romance and Relationships


You think everyone

is me!

(Just how special can

I be?)

You battled me in


where all the women

wore my face.

Since I was

everywhere at once

you died the death

of a thousand cunts.

If you were sane

you'd surely see

there is only one of me.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Finding Your Perfect Match

Current mood: idealistically realistic

Category: Romance and Relationships


About two million Americans met their spouses online. Now the divorces are starting. How dating Web sites are scrambling to make sure forever really is forever:

In 1995, Matt Frassica, tired of singles bars and set-ups by friends, tried his hand at dating online. There he met, and later married, a woman who also liked long walks in the rain and homemade lasagna. They were even featured in People magazine as a prototype of successful cyber-romance. Then the fairy tale ended. Mr. Frassica said he realized he was gay, and the divorce was official last year. "We avoided getting to know the real person," says the 34-year-old corporate recruiter in San Francisco. "All we knew was the profiles of each other." (His ex-wife confirms that.) More than a decade after the Internet revolutionized dating -- about two million Americans met their spouses online, by one measure -- the sites face a new challenge: keeping these couples together. While most sites started out focusing on dating, they are increasingly using their success in the marriage arena as a marketing tool -- making the stakes higher if these unions start to go south. While many happily married couples say they may never have found a mate offline, there are already indications that meeting a spouse on the Web comes with its own set of potential pitfalls. Some divorce cases, for example, highlight false claims made in the online profiles that led to the initial attraction. In addition, of course, there are the natural perils that can come with getting to know a person virtually instead of the old-fashioned way.


What horseshit. How and where people meet is totally irrelevant. They can meet on the internet or at a singles bar or at a church picnic or at the office or at an AA meeting. What kills most marriages is the sad fact that both men and women are preoccupied with finding the right person rather than being the right person.

If marriage is the goal, once a couple ties the knot, "success" has been achieved. The finish line has been crossed. When infatuation fades - and eventually it does - disappointment, even resentment, is inevitable. We feel cheated. We're stuck with someone we either don't know, or know and don't like. We deserve to be happy, damn it! Time to look for a new partner.


Saturday, April 15, 2006

Men With Short Term Memory Loss And The Women Who Love Them

Current mood: concerned

Romance and Relationships

Don't you just hate it when old people get forgetful and post the same thing on Delicious Demon they posted just a few months earlier? There should be a law against re-posting. Or at least some kind of software that warns the reader, "This is recycled material".

Here are two re-posts of mine, written after Ken posted his Caliphus story on Delicious Demon for the first time last November. If he posts it a third time, it will break my heart.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Please, Ken, don't post another sketch (your word) like Caliphus on Delicious Demon under your own name. It is a clumsy blend of fact and fiction. It was Venus de Milo (130-120BC), not your toppled goddess, who was found at Milo in 1820 and transported to the Louvre. Besides being approximately four thousand years younger, she's a hell of a lot smaller than your Aphrodite. Perhaps you've been staring too long at the Statue of Liberty. Can she be seen from Bay Ridge?

But I liked the denouement - when the old sculptor, surrounded by his adoring apprentices, gets crushed by a gigantic naked female. OK, she's a marble statue -- but we all know what that's about, honey. You can't get me off your mind. A simple castration metaphor won't do? I end up annihilating you, as always. What a drama queen you are .......

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

In defense of his Caliphus sketch, Ken offers the following explanation: Flights of fancy* that expand on the unknown origins of ancient phenomena have been traditional fictional devices as long as there have been storytellers. Nice try, Ken -- but I would bet it was inspired by the HBO Real Sex special that aired last night. There was a lot of eye rolling and giggly talk from Kim Cattrell about erotic sculpture in general -- and penises, testicles, labias, clitorises and G-Spots in particular. All of this to illustrate, albeit smarmily, that throughout recorded history men and women everywhere have been doing the nasty and celebrating it in drawings, paintings and sculpture. Duh. Aphrodite in all her guises was discussed and displayed again and again as the embodiment of female sexuality. Impossibly beautiful, serenely detached, forever unattainable, she is a goddess even an old misogynist like Ken can't resist. He worships dead celebrity goddesses - his favorite is Marilyn Monroe. There is no room in Ken's pantheon for flesh and blood love objects. Real woman need not apply.

*Ken specializes in "flights of fancy". See his self-serving post about me ("The Internet") on his home page. Even the smallest details are false. It's almost as if nothing he experiences is real, until he sees it through the prism of his imagination. Then it takes on a disturbing, distorted life of its own. The "me" he created out of his fantasies is far more real to Ken than I could ever be as flesh and blood. The woman he wrote to and talked to for hours on the phone was just raw material. The finished product, the person he imagines me to be, lives in Ken's head. Not surprisingly, she turned out to be a lot like him.

Owls And Larks

Current mood: affectionate

Category: Writing and Poetry

I went to bed around four A.M. last night, and was jolted out of a sound sleep by my early bird brother, calling from a different time zone, and - I suspect - a different planet.

He'd just read an article in the New York Times about poems based on the Fibonacci Sequence and couldn't wait to tell me all about them. Their blend of math and poetry made them close cousins to his own theories, elegantly expressed in mathematical terms, of time, space and other weighty ( non-weighty?) matters.

All this before I'd had my morning coffee. Christ!

What's a Fibonacci And Why Should I Care ?

rings and
wakes me up.
Who the fuck is it?
My nutty brother in Texas!


UPDATE: My brother is no nuttier than I am. He's just nutty in a different way.
At Seventy, He's Old Enough To Know What He Wants

Current mood: selfless

Category: Romance and Relationships

TO EACH HIS OWN (HAIKU) Jay Livingston & Ray Evans ( 1946)

Ken's not interested
in grannies; his friends are all
young girls - or trannies.

(Deeplip, from her novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Friday, April 14, 2006

Be Careful What You Wish For

Current mood: longing to meet my match

Category: Romance and Relationships

Hello dear, good day and how are you doing, your family ,friends, work and love ones? I am xxxx i will like to meet u and to know u better i was searching the net and came in contact with ur profile matching mine and so i feel we have some things in common Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go be what you want to be, because you only have one life to live and one chance to do all the things you want to do. angel i will be most greatull only if u will grant me this special chance into ur life and its deffinitely going to be a momment to cherish you can check my prifile and see thing yourself but as for me you and angel indisguise and i will be looking forward to meeting you. though we not see but i have seen your pics and that i what is building this strong motive inside me that u are an angel to behold if do send me your mail address mine is (redacted by Deeplip)
thanks do take very good care of urself and have a nice time.


Other than the fact that he's thirty years younger than I am, lives in Virginia and has an email addy with a extension, XXXX just might be the man I've been searching for for so long.

The problem is, he thinks I'm an angel -- and I'm not. Any relationship built on false assumptions is doomed from the start. Should I tell him the truth about me? Should I tell him that I am actually twelve people, two of them male, and all of them despicable? Or should I just refer him to Ken Brown for a character reference?

Ken has documented my supernatural powers, including physical forays into cyberspace*, and he can provide proof of my ability to be in several places simultaneously.

When XXXX finds out from Ken that I can hack into his computer and change or delete all his data, he may think twice about contacting me again.

And since (according to Ken) I am a hermaphrodite, he may not want to.

*FYI, if you wear your Wheaties decoder ring on your middle finger it works as a teletransporter ring. I'm so glad I saved mine. You threw yours away? Bummer!

(Deeplip, who cannot tell a lie, even if it costs her the love of her life. The love of her lives? The love of his/her lives? It's all so confusing!)
You Want To Do WHAT?

Current mood: still slightly agitated

Category: Life

On Yahoo's home page, there's a public service ad sponsored by

I can't cut and paste it, since it's interactive, so I'll describe it for you.

A decrepit, elderly couple - a dour man in geezer shades and a beige cap and a half-smiling woman wearing pearls and an atrocious flower print blouse - are clutching each other and staring off into space. Are they sick, cured, dying? Do they both have cancer? I'm betting it's just him. Why is she smiling? Is she happy it's him and not her?

To the left of the couple is a sinister logo - a three dimensional bull's-eye, which looks like the inside of someone's yazoo as viewed through a proctoscope.

Most disconcerting of all, under the picture is the caption, "roll over for more information".

Roll over? Surely, you can't be talking to me? Ladies, haven't we all heard that line before? It signals the surprise rectal exam, often performed on a young, attractive female patient who came in for a prescription refill or a throat culture. It is usually preceded by a lengthy breast exam. I used to wonder why a complete gynecological work up wasn't also performed - until I realized allergists and cardiologists don't have stirrups attached to their examining tables.

I stared at the ad in shocked disbelief for about a minute before I realized I was being told to roll my cursor over the picture.


Thursday, April 13, 2006

"Winnie The Pooh's Tragic Last Days" (From The National Enquirer)

Current mood: moved to tears

Category: Life

From today's Yahoo! News:

Winnie the Pooh Gets Hollywood Star Wednesday April 12 1:59 PM ET

Winnie the Pooh sure does love his honey, but the beloved bear now has something just as sweet: a star on
the Hollywood Walk of Fame.


In a recent interview, the old bear shocked the world when he remarked that the only thing tastier than honey or fame was Pooh Nanny, his beloved childhood nurse, who took her own life rather than face charges of engaging in sex with an ursa minor.

Winnie never recovered from her death. He became reclusive, overindulging in sweets and alcohol, avoiding old friends and eschewing female companionship.

He now suffers from gout, diabetes and rampant tooth decay, and according to his own unconfirmed reports, a boner that could cut glass, which doctors speculate is caused by crystallized sugar lodged in the corpus cavernosum.


Bush on nuclear war: "No option is off the table to prevent it."

Current mood: life-affirming

News and Politics

Experts: Iran's Boast May Mean Little

AP - Wed Apr 12, 3:56 PM ET

CAIRO, Egypt - Iran's boast that it has joined "the club of nuclear countries" by enriching uranium may rattle the Western world. But diplomats and experts familiar with the program say Iran still is far from producing any weapons-grade material needed for bombs and may be exaggerating its own progress. "The Iranians are deliberately trying to hype this up," David Albright, president of the Washington-based Institute for Science and International Security, said Wednesday.


Interesting choice of words. Iran doesn't announce, it "boasts". Why are there quotes around the phrase, the club of nuclear countries? Is membership by fucking invitation only? And why would Iran be "exaggerating its own progress" if its intention truly is to harness nuclear energy for peaceful uses?

It is we, not they, who are "hyping this up". Get ready for yet another war, folks. It will be a doozy. Either we will preemptively nuke Iran into the Stone Age or we'll provoke them into attacking us first in self-defense.

And who could blame them, since plans to "take out" Iran are already being openly discussed and debated as a viable option, should Iran refuse to knuckle under to U.S. threats and demands.

Either way, we're fucked. If we strike first, rest assured they will retaliate.

Those of us living within a thirty mile radius of New York City can kiss our irradiated asses good-bye. New Yorkers won't have enough time to do that. They will be instantly vaporized -- grease spots and shadows burned into the sidewalk.

It's All Good

Current mood: trancendent

Category: Life


My tears are never shed in vain.

I mine the sorrow, reap the pain.

I write it down, then take the page

and line the black-capped conure's cage.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Tampon Envy At A Safe Remove

Current mood: amused and intrigued
Category: Romance and Relationships

Princess Diana was a whiny, self-involved twit who spent way too much time looking in the mirror and throwing up in the toilet. That she was young, rich, beautiful, of noble birth and the most famous woman in the world makes her neither a heroine nor a role model, merely a celebrity - yet for Ken, she is an object of worship and adoration.

Perhaps even more so than the late Marilyn Monroe, whose nude photo graces Ken's computer screen.

The fact that Diana is dead (and like Marilyn, tragically and prematurely dead) is icing on the cake. Death is the ultimate mystery, the ultimate aphrodisiac, the ultimate buffer zone between "I" and "thou".

For a self-proclaimed anarchist like Ken, "princess worship" does seem a bit ludicrous, and I wonder if he isn't talking out of both sides of his mouth (or possibly out of his ass) when he self-righteously champions the downtrodden one day and toadies up to the rich and famous the next.

The conflict is what makes him so interesting. God, I just love a complex man!




Play's ideal woman
is young, sweet, bright, pretty and

(From Deeplip's Unreqwerty'd Love; the story of belle and play.)

Monday, April 10, 2006

Do You Measure Up? Take Deeplip's Test

Current mood: choosy
Romance and Relationships

After getting so many email solicitations from unsuitable men, I decided to simplify things by creating a test to be taken by all prospective suitors.

The test questions are easy, and the scoring shouldn't be difficult for anyone with basic math skills - and if you don't have basic math skills, I'd prefer not to hear from your ass.

This test is still in the beta version - I just worked it out this morning. I'll probably need to tweak it a bit, but here it is:

1) Age of the man

2) divided into his IQ

3) plus the weight of his brain in ounces

4) minus the weight of his prostate in ounces

5) divided by the number of nocturnal trips to the bathroom

6) minus the number of times he awakens his bed partner when he gets up at night to pee (note: if he turns on any lights, he fails this test)

7) plus length of erect penis, in inches ( I prefer small ones, but apparently, I'm in the minority. I've skewed the test to reflect my preference. Size queens can modify it by subtracting penis length.)

8) plus number of nightly erections (men under thirty); weekly erections (men under fifty); monthly erections ( men over seventy).
Zero points for morning wood. I like to sleep late, and at my age I'm pretty scary looking when I first wake up.

9) add the number of dependent children

10) divide this number into his average annual income for the final score

The higher the number, the better.

Example: John is 70; his IQ is 140 (bright guy!) - so he's a 2 so far.

His brain weighs 45 ounces, so now his number is 47.

He has BPH, and gets up to pee all night long, so now he's down to about a 14 (all numbers are approximate).

Subtract from 14 the number of times he wakes his partner (4) when he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. John now has 10 points.

Add four inches for his boner ( Ken, are you reading this?) Now John's at 14.

Add monthly erections (11- thanks to Viagra) and his total is 25.

No dependent children so he stays at 25.

John nets around thirty thousand a year, so he ends up a 1.2 (Remember, all numbers are approximate.)

John gets one bonus point for having hair and another bonus point for having most of his own teeth. He tops out at a 3.

The bonus points assure that no man ends up with an ego-deflating minus number.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

All Out Of Ken Dolls? Wrap Up His Evil Twin -- I'll Take Him!

Current mood: tumescent

Category: Romance and Relationships


I'm in love

with two old men

and don't know what to do.

One's the man

I thought was Ken.

The other one is you.

* the little man in the boat works double shifts, seven days a week. He's a workaholic, like me - and he hasn't taken a day off since 1950. I wish I could fire his ass.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)
"For Every Man There's A Woman" (Leo Robin & Harold Arlen, 1947)

Current mood: testy
Romance and Relationships

Subject: hello princess

Body: how are u doind, i saw ur profile and u looking great and pretty, u soo beautiful! and cant wait to chat with u,if u are also intrested chating with me you can give me ur yahooid sotaht so that we chat there, take care



I refrained from replying, but here's what I would have said to alfred:

1) Your message is riddled with errors. Spelling counts.

2) The caption next to my picture says it was taken in 1953. I don't look the same in 2006 as I did then. Subtraction counts.

3) Having something in common to talk about is the sine qua non of chating (sic). Latin counts. I doubt you have any.

4) You live in Pennsylvania. Proximity counts.

5) I don't like bushy beards. They scratch down there.

6) I am not a princess. You've probably figured that out by now.


Saturday, April 08, 2006

I Always Let Them Down Gently ....

Current mood: uncharacteristically domestic --- and submissive
Category: Romance and Relationships

Dear Joel,

First of all, thanks for the many voice mail messages. I apologize for not responding sooner. You really are someone I'd like to have a friendship with, and the fact that we're both in the same biz (music) - if different specialties - makes it especially tempting to accept your offer to meet and hang out. But Joel, there's something I sense about you that makes me uncomfortable pursuing a relationship - of any kind. You're obviously a very smart guy - with an earned doctorate - but there's a down side. Talking with you makes me feel like a contestant on a game show. You have a different style of relating than I: cosmopolitan, Upper West Side Jewish, academic. Purposeless and reflexive intellectual sparring is not something I enjoy. You are intense and competitive. So am I - that's ok. But you're also abrasive, combative and arrogant - not ok. You doubtless find this conversational style exhilarating; to me it's exhausting and non-productive. I'm looking for people to relax and have spontaneous, non-earth-shaking fun with and my fantasy guy cleans gutters, programs the V.C.R. and fixes things around the house. If I want a lecture, I'll sign up for one of your classes. I wish you great success in finding a more suitable woman. You've got a lot going for you, Joel. You deserve someone who's impressed, not annoyed, by your relentless and aggressive display of intellect.

Best Wishes,

Belle, who was constantly pursued by all the wrong men on PrimeSingles. All but one.

(Deeplip, who yearns to cook oatmeal and do laundry for the right wrong old man.)
"Chestnuts in blossom / Holiday tables under the trees"

Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Romance and Relationships


Too bad it won't be
you tasting my honey and
spending my money.

But if it's any
consolation, Mr. Brown,
you made the short list.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: The story of belle and play.)
Sado-Masochists And The Women Who Love Them

Current mood: wary
Category: Romance and Relationships


I would cut off an
arm or a leg for you, play.
I love you that much.

The thing that stops me
from doing it is knowing
you would want me to.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Never Own A Pet That's Bigger Than You Are

Current mood: pro-tiger
Category: Life

AP via Yahoo! News - Apr 07 8:55 AM

Bengal Tiger Kills Owner in Minn.

SANDSTONE, Minn. - A Bengal tiger attacked and killed its owner at a former animal breeding business, the latest in a series of recent maulings involving captive exotic animals in the state.

Cynthia Lee Gamble, 52, was found in an area connected to the 500-pound tiger's cage by a small, open gate, Pine County Sheriff Mark Mansavage said Friday. He said a man who had gone to work on the property Thursday found the woman's body.

The tiger was euthanized and taken to the University of Minnesota Veterinary Hospital for testing.
Two other Bengal tigers on the property were being cared for by Gamble's friends, Mansavage said.


The tiger had already planned to escape, and was waiting for the right moment to make his move.

Sensing the time was right, he decided to take a Gamble, and it cost him his life.


Update: Anyone else struck by the fact that the sheriff's name was Mansavage? Is there a message here?

Friday, April 07, 2006

"A Loaf Of Bread, A Jug Of Wine, And My Boner."

Current mood: semi-compassionate
Romance and Relationships



When it comes to sex,
He needs only three things now.
No partner required.

All he needs is a
Little blue pill, Asian porn
And some privacy.

(Deeplip, from Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Thursday, April 06, 2006

More From The Great American Schlongbook

Current mood: aroused
Romance and Relationships

I Had The Craziest Dream

I awoke today
so relieved to discover
your arms your hands
your lips your teeth and
were all in Brooklyn.
Thank God.

(Deeplip, from her novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love.)

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


Mo-aning and gro-aning
and koaning when some old man
could be bo-aning me.
"Are You In Good Hands?" (Allstate's Slogan)

Current mood: schadenfreude-ish
Category: News and Politics

DHS Official Charged in Online Seduction

By MICHELLE SPITZER, Associated Press Writer 2 hours, 32 minutes ago (Yahoo! News)

A deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was charged with using a computer to seduce a child after authorities said he struck up sexual conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl.

Brian J. Doyle, 55, the fourth-ranking official in the department's public affairs office, was expected to be placed on administrative leave Wednesday.

"He said last night that he was going to waive extradition. If he does that, we may have him back by the end of the week," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Wednesday. "He could get to court today and some lawyer may say 'no, you don't want to do that.' The bottom line is we don't know when he's coming back."

Authorities arrested Doyle on Tuesday at his Silver Spring, Md., home as he was online with the "girl." The undercover detective had called Doyle at work and said she got a Web camera, as he had asked her to do, and wanted to test it out, said Carrie Rodgers, Polk County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman.

"He said he would get on the computer when he got home from work so we knew he would be on," Rodgers said. "When (police) went to his door, he was on the computer in the middle of a conversation with the girl."


A conversation was not all he was in the middle of. The guys running the Department of Homeland Security can't find their ass with both hands, but here's one who at least can find his dick. That's a start.



He sent her pornographic movie clips, as well as non-sexual photos of himself, officials said. One of the photos, released by the sheriff's office, shows Doyle in what appears to be DHS headquarters. He is wearing a Homeland Security pin on his lapel and a lanyard that says "TSA." (My italics)


Not nearly as awe-inspiring as Bush's flamboyant, fly-boy "Mission Accomplished" photo, but good enough to impress a fourteen-year-old girl. He probably keeps a framed copy next to his PC, near the baby lotion.

My brother suggested a caption: "Emission Accomplished".

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Just The Way You Are

Current mood: adoring
Category: Romance and Relationships


The man I love has
feet of clay, a heart of stone
and a shy penis.

His plastic kneecap
is the best thing wrong with him.
He can't run away.

Breast Health: A Guide For Men And Women

Current mood: perky
Category: Romance and Relationships

From: A Male Friend
To: Deeplip
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 7:29 AM
Subject: Aerobic Equivalent

Bet you didn't know you were providing a life-extending public service. Maybe I should rethink my decision not to check out "The Twins." Checking it out once a day would be good for my health.

From: Deeplip
To: A Male Friend
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 1:16 PM
Subject: Re: Aerobic Equivalent

Can you imagine how good it would be for *my* health if a man checked them out? In person? Jesus, God!

Male Friend, I am counting on you to find me a spry old fellow who's a lot like Ken, but who isn't crazy, sadistic, or a pathological liar. I'd prefer he not be an alcoholic. Or at least, that he not be a mean drunk.

I'm willing to work with fatties and smokers. Even narcissists. But they better be charming.

Monday, April 03, 2006

If You MUST Take Viagra, Use Extreme Caution When Masturbating

Current mood: deeply concerned
Romance and Relationships

Don't Hurt Your Hand, Old Man - You Need It To Type With! (Haiku)

If Ken Brown's boner
"cuts glass", as he says it does,
he should wear work gloves.


Is Ken trolling for trollops on Delicious Demon? I guess it doesn't matter if he calls out PS Art's name as he's rubbing one out. Any port in a storm. And at seventy, he's a little long in the tooth to be cybering anyone on MySpace.

(Deeplip, who is standing by with her First Aid Kit.)


That's not sour grapes you smell, Ken - it's massage oil.

Surely you won't begrudge some other old man the pleasure of my company - especially after you so publicly disavowed me.


If you tried

to be nice

you wouldn't know how.

If I wanted

your ass

I'd have it by now.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

"Fame is no plant that grows on mortal soil." (Milton)

Current mood: compassionate

Rocket Man (Haiku)

Epigraph: "It is a mark of many famous people that they cannot part with their brightest hour." (Lillian Hellman)

When your star fell, you
held on too long, missed the earth
and landed in hell.

(Deeplip, from Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Love Conquers All

Current mood: accommodating
Romance and Relationships


Insanity is
not a big deal if couples
take turns. When one of
them is nuts the other one's
the designated driver.

(Deeplip, from her novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love.)

"The Peter Principle"

Current mood: Tired of "Insert Tab A In Slot B."
Category: Life

A recent email exchange with a close friend who is male - and also black - about America's obsession with penis size:

XY: I don't remember that ad, but Cialis also has the ear-catching commercial with a man and a woman in repose on their outdoor sun deck -- sitting in his-and-her bathtubs, contemplating the countryside as an announcer intones about the drug's 36-hour window of opportunity and warns about the side effects of four-hour erections. Those side effects warnings scare me off every time.

XX: What they don't tell you is a potbellied, bad-breathed, hairy-backed husband with a four-hour erection is gonna scare a lot of women.

What gets my goat about those ads is the message that penile-vaginal penetration is the measure of "his" manhood (ridiculous) and the source of "her" sexual satisfaction (untrue for most women). It shouldn't always be all about "Mr. Happy".

XY: Yeah, though the Hite Report exploded that myth, it endures, which means men obsess on size and enlargement and staying power while ignoring the sweet spot which explains why even Zagat now rates vibrators. I remember when Teri Garr's defiant "I'm responsible for my own orgasm!" was a shocking line in Tootsie. Today, it'd have to be delivered in a more blasé way. Zagat rates the Rabbit Habit #1 but I suspect that comes courtesy of its being the dildo of choice on Sex in the City. I heard good things about the Pocket Rocket.

XX: Yeah, that penile penetration myth dies hard (or soft, if you believe all the and absurdly, as many women as men buy into it. We've fetishized the male sex organ and the female breast. Not a day goes by that I don't read (in the Daily News and the Post) about how marvelously and irresistibly well-endowed so-and-so is. And not a day goes by that I don't run across some disparaging, belittling remark on the internet about small-penised men. It's the ultimate putdown.

Just a few days ago I ran across a MySpace profile of a stunning young woman - a model and a former Playmate. I'm assuming her pictures were legit just for argument's sake. Note: she had cheek implants, a chin implant, a nose job, silicon-injected lips and breast implants. She was telling women how to evaluate men they meet on internet dating sites and in social situations. She mentioned a couple of dead give-aways --- things men say or do that women should pick up on and run from ---- because, and I quote, "what he's really telling you is he has a small penis."

I guess she had too much class to say small dick.

Update: The fact that my friend is black wouldn't be relevant, were it not for the fact that there is an obsession with black penises in particular.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Who Wrote This Cialis Ad, Ingmar Bergman? (from

Current mood: having an ad-induced panic attack
Romance and Relationships

Something funny happened on the way to the bedroom. The doorbell rang, and surprise! - there were the kids and the grandkids, dropping by unexpectedly just as that pharmaceutical grade hard-on was beginning to kick in. But now they are gone and you're alone again - just the two of you.

Now that the time is right, what do you do? You do what any horny couple would do. You leave the house, get in your car and take a long drive along a twisting, treacherous road to the sea coast.

When you finally arrive, you buy something to eat from a food-stand. The beach appears to be deserted. There's just the two of you and the hot dog vendor. The sky is overcast. It's chilly enough to wear windbreakers.

"Long walks on the beach" are cliche. Sitting in side-by-side bathtubs isn't an option, so you hold hands and slowly, hesitantly begin to make your way across the jagged, slippery, barnacle-encrusted, kelp-festooned boulders exposed at low tide.

Storm clouds scud across the darkening sky. You start to fall, but regain your balance, windbreakers flapping in the breeze. Your progress is slow and laborious. What if one of you breaks a hip?

But wait! Off to the left, a dildo-shaped lighthouse looms huge and reassuring. All is well. A pulsating red light throbs from its bulbous, glans-like tip. Its smooth, cylindrical shaft sends a powerful message:

The time is right. The time is right. The time is right. The time is right.