Thursday, June 24, 2010

Breaking News

We don't know how
to plug the hole,
but we can score
a soccer goal.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Empire's New Clothes

Thanks to our leaders, we're losing the war.
But leaders don't fall on their swords anymore.
The jig has been danced, the tune has been sung.
It's time for McChrystal to fall on his tongue.
It's time for Obama to bring the troops home.
It's time to remember what happened to Rome.
A Prediction From Deeplip's (Mc)C(h)rystal Ball

The general tearfully tenders his resignation. Obama graciously accept it and puts it in a desk drawer. Then, a game of hoops, followed by a cold beer with wingman Joe Biden in the Rose Garden.
Do You Measure Up? Take Deeplip's Test

After getting so many email solicitations from unsuitable men, I decided to simplify things by creating a test to be taken by all prospective suitors.

The test questions are easy, and the scoring shouldn't be difficult for anyone with basic math skills - and if you don't have basic math skills, I'd prefer not to hear from your ass.

This test is still in the beta version - I just worked it out this morning. I'll probably need to tweak it a bit, but here it is:

1) Age of the man

2) divided into his IQ

3) plus the weight of his brain in ounces

4) minus the weight of his prostate in ounces

5) divided by the number of nocturnal trips to the bathroom

6) minus the number of times he awakens his bed partner when he gets up at night to pee (note: if he turns on any lights, he fails this test)

7) plus length of erect penis, in inches ( I prefer small ones, but apparently, I'm in the minority. I've skewed the test to reflect my preference. Size queens can modify it by subtracting penis length.)

8) plus number of nightly erections (men under thirty); weekly erections (men under fifty); monthly erections (men over seventy). Zero points for morning wood. I like to sleep late, and at my age I'm pretty scary looking when I first wake up.

9) add the number of dependent children

10) divide this number into his average annual income for the final score

The higher the number, the better.

Example: John is 70; his IQ is 140 (bright guy!) - so he's a 2 so far.

His brain weighs 45 ounces, so now his number is 47.

He has BPH, and gets up to pee all night long, so now he's down to about a 14 (all numbers are approximate).

Subtract from 14 the number of times he wakes his partner (4) when he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. John now has 10 points.

Add four inches for his boner ( Ken, are you reading this?) Now John's at 14.

Add monthly erections (11- thanks to Viagra) and his total is 25.

No dependent children so he stays at 25.

John nets around thirty thousand a year, so he ends up a 1.2 (Remember, all numbers are approximate.)

John gets one bonus point for having hair and another bonus point for having most of his own teeth. He tops out at a 3.

The bonus points assure that no man ends up with an ego-deflating minus number.

Update: This is an old post. I'm reposting it because there's always a chance the right man will read it.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.


1. Khloe Kardashian
2. Anna Paquin
3. Barry Bonds
4. Summer Camps
5. Amanda Knox
6. Alicia Keys
7. Liam Neeson
8. Patio Furniture
9. BP Oil Spill
10. Wedding Registration

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Bad, Bad, Oil!

Fickle oil slick scatters its threats across Gulf

By Bill Kaczor, Associated Press Writer
1 hr 18 mins ago

PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. – In sensitive marshes on the Louisiana coast, oil thick as pancake batter suffocates grasses and traps pelicans. Blobs of tar the size of dimes or dinner plates dot the white sands of Alabama and the Florida Panhandle. Little seems amiss in Mississippi except a shortage of tourists, but an oily sheen glides atop the sea west of Tampa.


Why blame BP when we can blame Mother Nature? We name hurricanes. Why not do the same with oil spills? This latest disaster should be named "Jezebel".

Monday, June 07, 2010

You Go, Girl!

From Yahoo!

Tom Cruise proves he can match Jennifer Lopez move for move, even while he's in costume.


But can he do it backwards, in heels?

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Chaos Are Running Rampant In Academia!


Turkey emerges as Middle East leader
By Henri Barkey, Special to CNN June 3, 2010 7:26 a.m. EDT

Editor's note: Henri J. Barkey is a professor of international relations at Lehigh University and a visiting fellow at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace. He is co-author, with Graham Fuller, of "Turkey's Kurdish Question" and editor of "Reluctant Neighbor: Turkey's Role in the Middle East."


In his article, Barkey states that "Erdogan and Turkey received many kudos for the Israeli-Syrian talks". More kudos, let us hope, than Professor Barkey and his editors.
Ignorance Is Bliss

Lead story from

Less US teens worried about unwed motherhood -- study


And fewer editors are worried about bad grammar.