Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Do You Measure Up? Take Deeplip's Test

After getting so many email solicitations from unsuitable men, I decided to simplify things by creating a test to be taken by all prospective suitors.

The test questions are easy, and the scoring shouldn't be difficult for anyone with basic math skills - and if you don't have basic math skills, I'd prefer not to hear from your ass.

This test is still in the beta version - I just worked it out this morning. I'll probably need to tweak it a bit, but here it is:

1) Age of the man

2) divided into his IQ

3) plus the weight of his brain in ounces

4) minus the weight of his prostate in ounces

5) divided by the number of nocturnal trips to the bathroom

6) minus the number of times he awakens his bed partner when he gets up at night to pee (note: if he turns on any lights, he fails this test)

7) plus length of erect penis, in inches ( I prefer small ones, but apparently, I'm in the minority. I've skewed the test to reflect my preference. Size queens can modify it by subtracting penis length.)

8) plus number of nightly erections (men under thirty); weekly erections (men under fifty); monthly erections (men over seventy). Zero points for morning wood. I like to sleep late, and at my age I'm pretty scary looking when I first wake up.

9) add the number of dependent children

10) divide this number into his average annual income for the final score

The higher the number, the better.

Example: John is 70; his IQ is 140 (bright guy!) - so he's a 2 so far.

His brain weighs 45 ounces, so now his number is 47.

He has BPH, and gets up to pee all night long, so now he's down to about a 14 (all numbers are approximate).

Subtract from 14 the number of times he wakes his partner (4) when he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. John now has 10 points.

Add four inches for his boner ( Ken, are you reading this?) Now John's at 14.

Add monthly erections (11- thanks to Viagra) and his total is 25.

No dependent children so he stays at 25.

John nets around thirty thousand a year, so he ends up a 1.2 (Remember, all numbers are approximate.)

John gets one bonus point for having hair and another bonus point for having most of his own teeth. He tops out at a 3.

The bonus points assure that no man ends up with an ego-deflating minus number.

Update: This is an old post. I'm reposting it because there's always a chance the right man will read it.