Friday, June 23, 2006

Nobody Said Life Was Fair

Current mood: counting my blessings

Category: News and Politics

A first responder after 9/11 was interviewed yesterday on public radio about his medical woes. He'd had a foot amputated and had already undergone over a dozen operations, with more to follow. He suffered from chronic respiratory problems. He also had what he called "post-traumatic".

And as if that weren't bad enough, he was recently diagnosed with a "high anal hernia" which required surgery. In the middle of the operation, he "exasperated" on the operating table and almost died.


The poor guy can't catch a break. If I were in his shoes (shoe?) I'd exasperate, too.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Nearness Of You

Current mood: libidinous

Category: Romance and Relationships


Don't put me on
A pedestal.
I'd be lonely there.

I want to be
Buy a queening chair.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

You Say Your Life Stinks?

Current mood: schadenfreude-ish

Category: Romance and Relationships


Life stinks when
things that smell good
are missing .... like

in the morning
coffee perking
fresh squeezed orange juice
cut flowers

in the afternoon
bread baking
tomato sauce simmering

and at night
long hot showers together
perfumed massage oil
scented candles
crisp clean sheets
her body in your arms

But nothing beats
that "new car" smell
Unless it's
the smell of money.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

It's Not Easy Being Green

Current mood: pro-amphibian

Category: Romance and Relationships

I feel no sympathy for women who complain that they have to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince. My sympathy is with the frogs. They are being used.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Chinese journalist gets 1-year prison term

By AUDRA ANG, Associated Press WriterThu Jun 15, 11:31 AM ET

A Chinese journalist found guilty of extortion after writing articles about official corruption was sentenced Thursday to one year in prison, his wife and lawyer said.

Yang Xiaoqing, a reporter for the state-run China Industrial Economy News, was sentenced at the Longhui No. 1 People's Court in Hunan province, his lawyer, Zhang Xingshui said.

Yang's wife, Gong Jie, said she would appeal the decision immediately.

"It's a terrible thing," Gong said. "He has not committed a single crime. He has not done one thing wrong. To sentence him to even one day of prison is the real crime."

She said hundreds of onlookers swarmed the court and blocked police cars to protest the sentence. Some carried signs reading: "Corrupt officials should not bully reporters and the people!"


That could never happen in America. We don't jail whistle-blowers, we fire them.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Reading Comprehension

Current mood: testy

Category: Romance and Relationships

I continue to receive generic invitations to share my life with men who, after reading my profile, decide I am The One.

Really, I can't blame them. There's lots to like in my profile. The part I like best is where it says "in a relationship". I read those words over and over.

Check my details. You can't miss it, fellas. Next to "status" it says "In a Relationship". On the left, under my picture. In a relationship. See it?

That means I am involved with someone.

Get my drift?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Public Service Announcement On WQXR

Current mood: worried about those teeny tiny women

Category: Life

Mammograms can discover tumors in women too small to be detected by human touch alone.

If the women are that small, just imagine how small their tumors must be.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Is The Best Way To Get Over A Man To Get Under Another One ?

Current mood: about to find out

Category: Romance and Relationships


Saving face is a
piece of cake when somebody
is sitting on it.


You say beef jerky
and I say Tofurky®.
You use intoxicants.
I take anti-oxidants.
Jerky, furky
tofu, turkey -
Sounds like a plan to me!

(From Deeplip's novella -in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)

UPDATE: Actually, I've been over Mr. Wrong for quite a while now, but there are pesky little pockets of residual lust in my nooks and crannies. I can't seem to get them out. Someone who knows what he's doing - and what he's looking for - needs to go in and find them.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Odd Couple

Current mood: sympathetic

Category: News and Politics

Nude Heather McCartney Photos Published In Tabloid

06/05/2006 8:00 PM, Yahoo! Music
Lyndsey Parker

Pornographic photos of Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Heather Mills, have surfaced in the British tabloid The Sun and on newspaper's website. The photos were taken for a hardcore German book titled Die Freuden Der Liebe--The Joys Of Love in 1988, five years before the motorcycle accident in which Mills lost one of her legs.

The extremely explicit photographs reveal Mrs. McCartney posing nude, slathered with baby oil, as she engages in sexual acts with an unnamed male porn star. Other photos involve handcuffs and other bondage gear, strawberries and cream, and sex toys.

Heather and Paul McCartney announced last month that they were ending their four-year marriage. The former Beatle has since taken great pains to defend his future ex-wife, insisting that she is not a gold-digger as the media has claimed. (Heather could win as much as $400 million in a divorce settlement, as the couple had no prenuptial agreement in place.)

The Sun did not report if Paul McCartney had yet commented on the photos.


Paul McCartney is so long in the tooth he looks like Angela Lansbury. Forget the Viagra -- give this guy a shot of testosterone, and hurry!

The fact that Heather Mills posed for naughty pictures probably has nothing to do with their messy divorce, but it might be one of the reasons Paul McCartney married her.

Girlfriend obviously knows her way around the bedroom.

If A Poem Falls In The Forest, And Nobody Reads It .........

Current mood: pensive

Category: Writing and Poetry


O, my plum! My lump!
Somber stone of
my awakening.

Above the weeping table
your scent hangs
heavy as an iron kettle.

I drown in the chipped bowl
of your laughter, deserted
like the dwarf whores at dawn.

*with apologies to Pablo Naruda. whose style I was emulating.

(From Pandora Blue's The Little Book of Poems About Poetry And Poets)
"He Who Hesitates Is Lost"

Current mood: singing the praises of younger men

Category: Romance and Relationships

"Hide your heart from sight, lock your dreams at night, it could happen to you ....." (Johnny Burke/Jimmy Van Heusen)

He'd forgotten just what it was for
Till Lady Luck knocked at his door
She put on a teddy
And said, "Are you ready?"
He sang, Give me five minutes more*

* Sammy Cahn / Jule Styne

Semantics 101

Current mood: candid

Category: Romance and Relationships

What if you're a man who sleeps with men, but hates the idea of being gay - - or bi?

No problem. If you have sex with pre-op transexuals who define themselves as women, and who look and dress and act like women, then you are, by definition, straight.

After all, it isn't as if you were having sex with a man.

You get to have your cock and eat it, too.

(Deeplip, who eschews labels, but believes that men who are half-way in and half-way out of the closet should refrain from representing themselves as "straight" when they post their profiles on MySpace*)

*It causes no end of confusion.
Take Your Meds

Current mood: concerned

Category: Romance and Relationships

Bob Uecker files retraining (sic) order

By EMILY FREDRIX, Associated Press Writer 40 minutes ago

Hall of Fame announcer Bob Uecker filed a restraining order against a woman he contends has been harassing him for years and last week confronted him at a hotel pool over his refusal to assist her charity work.

A hearing is scheduled June 15, according to the Wisconsin Circuit Court Web site. Uecker, the voice of the Milwaukee Brewers for more than 35 years, filed a harassment injunction against Ann E. Ladd on Thursday, as first reported by the investigative Web site The Smoking Gun.

In court filings, the 71-year-old former player said Ladd has been bothering him for six or seven years by sending unsolicited gifts, driving around his home in Wisconsin and having contact with him in various cities.
"In the past year, however, Ladd's pattern of harassment has escalated in frequency and intensity, and has resulted in repeated and serious invasions of my personal privacy," he said.

A message left at Ladd's home on Sunday was not immediately returned. Uecker was announcing the Brewers' game against Washington and was unavailable for comment.

He said the 45-year-old woman from Prospect Heights, Ill., recently approached him on what she said was a charity project involving a manuscript about him.

She persisted, and he said he asked her to leave him alone. The next night at the stadium, Uecker said members of Major League Baseball security and the Pittsburgh police told her not to contact him. She said she didn't realize there was a problem and would stop.

In April, Uecker said Ladd appeared at his autograph session in Milwaukee. She eventually was led away by Miller Park security, documents said. Several weeks later, she accused Uecker in a letter of having a "sneering dislike towards me."

"Both in your broadcast position and somewhat ambassador role, you interact publicly with many people, yet disdainfully I am met with your recurrent coldness," the letter said.

Uecker contends she has made reservations at hotels he has previously used when the Brewers travel to Texas, Chicago and Pittsburgh in the coming months.
Uecker won a World Series ring with the St. Louis Cardinals in 1964 and played in Philadelphia and Atlanta before retiring in 1967. He starred in commercials and the television sitcom "Mr. Belvedere."


Looks like Uecker's actually being stalked -- unlike someone I know who believes himself to be so irresistible to women (and men) that they pursue him relentlessly wherever he goes in cyberspace.


Look out your window.
Do you see me standing on
the sidewalk, old man?
Check your phone messages, Ken.
None of the voices is mine.

"Fame, If You Win It / Comes And Goes In A Minute"

Current mood: schadenfreude-ish

Category: Writing and Poetry

The ultimate measure of a writer's obscurity might be the ability to post almost daily using his real name on a small, chummy message board for over a year --- and then be asked for his real name by a friend who assumed the name he posted under was a nom de plume. Ouch.




When your star fell, you
held on too long, missed the earth
and landed in hell.

(From Deeplip's novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)
Who Says Money Can't Buy Love?

Current mood: realistic

Category Romance and Relationships

Wed May 31, 7:12 PM ET (from Yahoo! News Online) Woman wins $2 million in matchmaker suit

A widow won $2.1 million from a high-priced matchmaker whom she claimed failed to deliver on promises of introductions to cultured, wealthy men.

Anne Majerik, a 60-year-old social worker from Erie, Pa., claimed in a lawsuit that she paid Beverly Hills matchmaker Orly Hadida $125,000 to be introduced to men who wanted monogamous relationships, earned more than $1 million and had estates of up to $20 million.

Instead, she said, she only got a few introductions to inappropriate men. For example, her suit claimed, the matchmaker's "international banker" turned out to be "an interpreter that worked in a bank."

Orly, an Israeli beauty pageant winner who goes by her first name, countersued. She alleged Majerik is a "serial matchmaker suer" who enjoyed herself with the men she met before claiming she had been "psychologically damaged by the process" and demanding compensation.

Orly claimed Majerik became her client after she helped the widow prevail in a lawsuit against another matchmaker, San Diego-based Valenti International. She said Majerik, whose husband died in 1999, gave her "enthusiastic feedback about nearly every man to whom Orly had introduced her."

A Los Angeles Superior Court jury ruled in Majerik's favor on Tuesday, although jurors weren't entirely sympathetic to her.

"We wanted to punish the defendant, but in the amount we wanted to punish the defendant, we didn't want to reward the plaintiff," said foreman Christie Troutt. "They were both wrong."

Orly's attorney said she plans to appeal.


Majerik needs a reality check. Rich old men are not looking to date - let alone marry - women in their sixties.
Why did she pay a dating service all that money when she could have eliminated the middle man and offered $125,000 directly to the best qualified applicant? Or maybe $25,000 each to the top five? Or $5,000 each to the top twenty five?

She says she wants a monogamous relationship. Didn't somebody say, "Money changes everything"? But I digress......

If she's going to settle for just one man, let's hope she's smart enough to give him an allowance, not a check for $125,000.


What's Next, Lil' (sic) Kim And Pavarotti?

Current mood: unsurprised

News and Politics

Montreal jazz festival unveils lineup

37 minutes ago (Yahoo! News)

Paul Simon, B.B King, Tony Bennett, Elvis Costello and Etta James are among the stars slated to perform at the 27th Annual Festival International de Jazz de Montreal.

The event in Montreal, naturally will run from June 28 through July 9. It will present more than 140 indoor concerts.

Blues legend King will open the series on June 28, followed by Grammy winner Bennett on June 30 and R&B legend James on July 1. Costello & the Imposters will perform with Allen Touissant, a New Orleans native and musician, and a "full horn section" on July 3.

In his first appearance at the festival, singer-songwriter Simon will perform songs from his latest album "Surprise." Other acts include Daniel Lanois and Emmylou Harris (July 6) and Bonnie Raitt and Keb' Mo' (July 7).


What's wrong with the above line-up? Nothing --- except that not a single headliner appearing at the festival is a jazz artist.


Thursday, June 01, 2006

June Is Busting Out All Over, And So Am I

Current mood: insatiable

Category: Romance and Relationships


Sometimes love is a
hemorrhoid that hurts and feels
good at the same time.

(Deeplip, from her novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play.)
Guess Who's Not Coming To Dinner EVER?

Current mood: immensely relieved

Category: Romance and Relationships

The following exchange illustrates why I prefer to stay home nights and play with my lovebirds than date old men. The first two emails are real; the third is what I badly want to say to the swine, but won't --- because I'm better than that.


It looks like I won't be able to make dinner with you Friday night. My day job is turning out to be full time, which is actually a good thing, because I need the money badly. I began working last Monday and I've worked five and a half days already.The drawback is, I never know when I'll be working. Today I got a call at eight fifty AM to come in and sub for a teacher who was leaving school because she was ill. I barely had time to take a shower and get dressed. I never know before six PM the previous night if I'm gonna be working - there's an automated first come, first served cattle call on the internet - and not that many jobs are available, because most are filled in advance by requested subs, one of which I hope I'll eventually be.

If I were to get called to sub at the high school, I'd have to be up before six to be able to sign in at seven twenty. I would love to go out Friday, especially to Shanghai Jazz, but it's all I can do to keep up with my unfamiliar and challenging day job at this point.

I've got less than a month left of school and I want to grab all the work I can get.

Sorry I'm not up to going, but I know you'll understand my situation.


Connie-- Actually I DON'T understand why any daytime weekday job prevents going to a concert Friday evening; presumably you will not be called to teach Saturday morning. But it's your choice, so that's that. I'll try to find a last-minute sub (if schools can do it, perhaps I can too). --Redacted

Of course you wouldn't understand, Redacted. Selfish prick that you are, it would never cross your mind that I might be exhausted after a week of subbing grades K through twelve in eleven mostly un-air-conditioned schools during a heat wave.

You know what, Redacted? Fuck you and your Ph.D! Now I remember why I don't like you.

Don't Even Think About It .....

Current mood: ornery

Category: Romance and Relationships

Hello Dear, I was really taken by your profile.You seem like a special lady and I'd like to get to know you better. I am 66 Live in the UK.I work for a small business consultancy firm.I'm a simple,down to earth and modest gentleman.I put God first in all i do because i practice my religion more as a way of life. I'm known to have a strong character but can be a hopeless romantic to only the lady in my life and take every relationship serious.I'm an old fashion kind of guy and I believe in following my heart in matters of love.I just want to start over ,find happiness and peace of mind with a good hearted woman. I've been widowed for 10yrs now and have a daughter who is married and lives with her family. If you wish to email me at (redacted). I would be delighted and surely reply...Nathan


What's with these generic invitations?

Listen up, Nathan: I don't want a God-fearing man who lives in the UK, I want a man who's afraid of me and lives around the corner.

I don't want "an old fashion (sic) kind of guy". If I did, I'd have one.

And what the fuck is a hopeless romantic? Who would want one? And who would want to be one?

BTW, I am special --- just not in the way you want me to be.