Friday, May 30, 2008

Age Is Just A Number

From The New York Post:

April 25, 2008 -- Quincy Jones celebrated his 75th birthday at Cafe Carlyle the other night with his 20-year-old girlfriend, Heba Elawadi.


It's never too late to find your soulmate.

Why I'm voting for Obama

Bush makes me ashamed to be an American. Clinton makes me ashamed to be a woman. McCain makes me ashamed to be old.


Thursday, May 29, 2008

Larry Craig: The Musical

From Yahoo!:

Craig says new book will cover arrest turmoil

Wed May 28, 8:19 PM ET

WASHINGTON - Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, is writing a book that will reflect on the turmoil after his arrest last year in an airport sex sting.

Craig, 62, is retiring from Congress in January after 18 years in the Senate and a decade in the House.

He told KTVB-TV in Boise, Idaho, the book will focus on "the state of politics" in Washington, but also will review his career, including his arrest by an undercover officer in a men's room at the Minneapolis airport.

"There will be a bit of what's happened in the last year and the way it evolved," Craig said. "I think that's important for Idaho and those outside Idaho who are interested to know."


Coincidentally, I am working on a musical about Larry Craig. The working title is "Tiptoe Through The Toilets".

I've got a song for the officer accused of entrapment ("It's My Potty, and I'll Spy if I Want To"). Craig will take the stand and testify in his own defense ("If These Stalls Could Talk") and if he fails to sway the jury - which I doubt will happen, because the song is a country ballad, and it *kills* - the judge will sentence him to jail, and then sing "Foot, Foot, Footsie, Goodbye" as the bailiffs escort the Senator out of the courtroom.


Monday, May 26, 2008

Better Living Through Chemistry

From The New York Times:

Mr. McCain’s doctors reported that Mr. McCain takes a variety of medications:
simvastatin to control his cholesterol levels; hydrochlorothiazide for kidney stone prevention; aspirin for blood clot prevention; Zyrtec, an antihistamine as necessary for nasal allergies; Ambien CR, as necessary for sleep when traveling; and a multiple vitamin tablet.


I'll bet he also takes serious pain medication for his arthritis. And mood stablizers to keep that explosive temper in check.

Doctors tell us McCain enjoys good health for a man his age, and the various drugs he takes are those typically prescribed to a man his age.

The operative phrase is "a man his age". Paul Newman looks great for "a man his age" - but he ain't Brad Pitt.


Sunday, May 25, 2008

Hillary's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And let there be an accident
So I can be the president


Update: In the unlikely event that Hillary is chosen as Obama's running mate and they win the election, her prayer will be modified as follows:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If Bam should die before I wake
Then thankfully, his job I'll take

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Be Careful What You Wish For

The people who are uncomfortable about voting for a guy named Barack Obama might want to think twice before voting for John McCain. If he dies in office, he could be succeeded by someone named Piyush Jindal.


Fear Of A Black President

Posted May 22, 2008 9:21 AM on "The Swamp" (The Baltimore Sun's Blog)

by Frank James

It's becoming ever more clear -- Sen. Barack Obama has substantial problems with Jewish voters but what's unclear is what he can do about it.

The latest evidence for Obama's problem with Jewish voters who have usually been reliably Democratic but have real uncertainties about Obama is an excellent piece
in this morning's New York Times by Jodi Kantor.

Kantor talked with Jewish voters in South Florida, many of them liberal Democrats, and found real skepticism about Obama, some of it based on a lack of familiarity with him, some of it on misinformation and some of it on plain old-fashioned racism.

By campaigning heavily in Florida, including flooding the state's airwaves and cable pipes with ads, Obama may be able to do something about Jewish voters who have so far resisted his charms because of their unfamiliarity with him or misinformation. But it's hard to see what such campaigning can do to reverse years of racial suspicions many Jewish voters hold about African-Americans.

Anyway, right from the starting blocks, Kantor's piece captures how difficult things are going to be for Obama as he courts voters who should be behind him but aren't.

"The people here, liberal people, will not vote for Obama because of his attitude towards Israel," Ms. Weitz, 83, said, lingering over brunch.

"They're going to vote for McCain," she said.

Ms. Grossman, 80, agreed with her friend's conclusion, but not her reasoning.

"They'll pick on the minister thing, they'll pick on the wife, but the major issue is color," she said, quietly fingering a coffee cup. Ms. Grossman said she was thinking of voting for Mr. Obama, who is leading in the delegate count for the nomination, as was Ms. Weitz.

But Ms. Grossman does not tell the neighbors. "I keep my mouth shut," she said.


It might help Obama with Jewish voters if he changed his first name to Baruch. It's a fine Hebrew name, and less threatening than the Islamic "Barack".

Both names mean "blessed".


Monday, May 19, 2008

Taking The High Road

Obama tells Tenn.'s GOP: 'Lay off my wife'

2 hours, 20 minutes ago

Democrat Barack Obama has a message for Tennessee's Republican Party: "Lay off my wife."
Obama, his party's presidential front-runner, and his wife, Michelle, were asked in an interview aired Monday on ABC's "Good Morning America" about an online video last week by the state's GOP taking her to task for a comment some considered unpatriotic.

"The GOP, should I be the nominee, can say whatever they want to say about me, my track record," Obama said. "If they think that they're going to try to make Michelle an issue in this campaign, they should be careful because that I find unacceptable, the notion that you start attacking my wife or my family."

He called the strategy "low class."

The video, posted on YouTube, centered on remarks Michelle Obama made while campaigning in Wisconsin last February, when she said: "For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country."

The four-minute video replayed the remark six times, interspersing it with commentary by Tennesseans on why they are proud of America. In a news release that included a link to the video, Tennessee's GOP said "the Tennessee Republican Party has always been proud of America." It urged radio stations to play "patriotic music" during Michelle Obama's visit to Nashville last Thursday.

Michelle Obama later clarified the remark, saying she meant she was proud of how Americans were engaging in the political process and that she had always been proud of her country.


When Bush ran for president in '00 and '04, the Democrats could have made a video about Laura Bush, featuring ordinary Americans talking about how proud they are to be safe drivers who don't run stop signs and kill people. The video would urge radio stations to play funeral marches during her campaign appearances.

But then, that's not what Democrats do - and that's why they will win in 2008.


Sunday, May 18, 2008

Collateral Damage

From Yahoo!:

US military: soldier shot at Quran for practice

By KIM GAMEL, Associated Press Writer 12 minutes ago

An American soldier used a Quran, the Islamic holy book, for target practice in a predominantly Sunni area west of Baghdad, prompting an apology from the U.S. military, a spokesman said Sunday.

Separately, mortar shells slammed into a residential area north of the Iraqi capital, killing at least four people and wounding 30, most children playing outside, officials said Sunday.


No apology for having killed and wounded the children?


Friday, May 09, 2008

Navigation 101

To Lose One's Bearings:

1) to stray from or become ignorant of one's way, directions, etc.: to lose one's bearings.


2) to miss one's way, or bearings.


3) to become uncertain of one's position: Example: He's confused me so much that I've lost my bearings completely.


The dictionary should be required reading for the McCain camp, who have gotten their panties all in a twist over what they perceive as a not-so subtle reference to the seventy-one-year old candidate's age.

There is a semantic distinction to be made here; losing one's bearings is not the same thing as losing one's marbles.

In my view, McInane has lost his bearings AND his marbles.


Thursday, May 08, 2008

Hillary Shows Her Double-Wide White Ass

From USA Today Online:

Hillary Rodham Clinton vowed Wednesday to continue her quest for the Democratic nomination, arguing she would be the stronger nominee because she appeals to a wider coalition of voters — including whites who have not supported Barack Obama in recent contests.

"I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on," she said in an interview with USA TODAY. As evidence, Clinton cited an Associated Press article "that found how Sen. Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

"There's a pattern emerging here," she said.

Clinton's blunt remarks about race came a day after primaries in Indiana and North Carolina dealt symbolic and mathematical blows to her White House ambitions. The Obama campaign, looking toward locking up the nomination, stepped up pressure on superdelegates who have the decisive votes in their race.

In both states, Clinton won six of 10 white voters, according to surveys of people
as they left polling places.


"Hard working white Americans"? Ouch!


Monday, May 05, 2008

"If she gave (Obama) one of her cojones, they'd both have two" (James Carville)

If Hillary really does have three testicles, she should save that spare for Bill. He's gonna need it if she loses.

Or she could donate it to Carville, who badly needs a face transplant.


First, you'd read me some
Dylan Thomas and then we'd
take off each other's
pajamas and hump like a
couple of orgling* llamas,
without any
pauses line/
or commas.

*Orgling (from the internet)

Males will make a very strange sound while they are breeding which is called an orgle. They will sometimes make this sound if there is an open female on the other side of the fence. A breeding will typically last twenty minutes and will often go longer, with the male orgling continuously. All of the other females will gather by the fence to see what is going on as soon as they hear an orgle. Often the male is quite attentive to the female during the breeding process, nibbling lightly on her ears and rubbing her neck with his front feet (my italics). The female, on the other hand, usually looks completely bored and will sometimes eat grass, occasionally looking around at the male, as if to say “Aren’t you done yet?”

FYI, I'd never, ever ask if you were done yet. I'd read The London Review of Books, and I'd never look over my shoulder. That's how all that "I/Thou" nonsense starts.

(Deeplip, from her novella-in-verse, Unreqwerty'd Love: the story of belle and play).