Sunday, December 09, 2007

"I'm Gonna Be Fuckin' Famous"
(From the suicide note of Robert Hawkins, the Omaha Mall Shooter)

I propose that we create a national memorial to commemorate the suicides of young people who want to be famous.

Their farewell notes to friends and family, assault weapons and camouflage clothing will be on display, along with store or school surveillance tapes, records of 9-1-1 calls, and personal memorabilia, such as video journals and myspace pages.

All media coverage related to their deaths will be archived and available to the public for duplication and download, and their names will be engraved on the NOW I AM FUCKIN' FAMOUS WALL OF FAME.

But only if they don't kill or injure anyone else. That's a no-no.


Sunday, December 02, 2007

"Illegal Alien National Anthem"

Current mood: welcoming

Category: Life

To be sung to the tune of what's informally known as "My Country 'Tis Of Thee" (BTW, whoever came up with those lyrics should have been shot.)

Translation always wreaks havoc with rhymes, so I figured English was the best default language. Spanish would be the logical choice for this particular song, because I wrote about the shit jobs that are invariably done by Mexicans and immigrants from Central America -- but I wanted it to be inclusive.

So now all of us will sing it en Ingles, just like Bush wants us to.

I wanted to include references to the Sikhs who pump gas, the Middle Eastern convenience store clerks, the women from various African nations who empty bedpans and change diapers in nursing homes, and of course, Pakistani cabdrivers, but the song was too short.


Your country 'tis for me
Sweet opportunity
Please let me stay.

I'll mow your lawn for you.
Cook, clean, wash dishes, too.
Do any job that you won't do
For a lot less pay.