Monday, March 27, 2006

Girl Talk

A saved e-mail. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Hi G/F,

Well, here's the long and the short of it: There will not be a sexual dimension to our relationship, and not because he's not Kyle, but because he's Jim, and for that I am relieved and grateful to the God of Sexual Attraction, who often causes much mischief.

Seeing Jim naked except for flipflops and underpantless, stained baggy khaki shorts wasn't the dealbreaker - I know the God of Aging has been very good to me, and I could easily love an old geezer with scrawny arms and a pot belly - in fact, I probably already do, lol. When I love a man he automatically, magically becomes beautiful.

The dealbreaker was his spiel about AIDS transmission among middle-aged, middle class whites being a myth, and his insistence that only IV drug users, gay men and bisexuals were at risk of contracting the virus.

According to Jim, soccer moms, librarians, grad students, "nice" people who attend "Parents Without Partners" dances, etc., can't give or get AIDS, so it's not necessary for him to wear a condom. Besides, he doesn't have sex with just anyone. He's picky. He'll engage in sex only after he's determined that his prospective partner is .... are you ready for this...."clean". Need I say more?

He reads Ancient Greek, Modern Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, German, Italian and Spanish. and he's dumb enough to have sex with strangers without wearing a condom. If I were foolish enough to get involved with a self-professed non-monogamous man, forget about condoms - I'd insist on a scuba diver bodysuit modified with a double - lined vinyl codpiece.

Used to be, men could just break your heart. Now they can kill you. If any man ends up killing me, it's gonna have to be worth it.