JUST ANOTHER POV

2011-05-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

Hand Over Heart

I pledge allegiance to the flag
Of Planet Earth.
And to the people for which it stands
One world, indivisible.
With liberty and justice for all.

2011-04-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

Our Fearless Leader

Obama draws a line in the sand, and waits for the Republicans to cross it. Then he draws another line.

2011-04-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

Change You Can Believe In

The shocking transformation of Barack Obama.

2011-04-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

That's Why The Donald is a Tramp

Trump is a successful entrepreneur who pulled himself up by his father's bootstraps. As the saying goes, he was born on third base, and thinks he hit a triple. When he recites his "rags to riches" story, I want to gag.

2011-03-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

Ignorance=Death

You say "it can't happen here"? Think again. The nuclear catastrophe in Japan was not caused by an earthquake. It was not caused by a tsunami. It was caused by a power failure which followed these events.

2011-03-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

Charlie Sheen's Sheenanigans

CNN's top headline: "Charlie Sheen adds 5 more shows to 'Torpedo of Truth' tour". I call it the "Suppository of Self-Destruction" tour. Can't he and Mel Gibson just go hug some trees?

.

2011-03-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

The Missionary Position

I just googled "United States Military AND mission" and got 77,900,000 results.

That says it all.

2011-02-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

Talking Points on Abortion from the Pro-Life Playbook

With pro-choice "friends", like Lawrence O'Donnell and Jackie Speier, who needs enemies? He says he "can't stand" to watch the "graphic" pregnancy termination footage again. She tells him she had to "endure" a procedure that ended a "wanted" pregnancy. In her words, "I lost the baby". Both pay only lip service to a woman's right to have an elective abortion. Both state repeatedly that abortion is a "sad" and difficult choice for any woman to make.

2011-02-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

The Leader of the Pack

George Clooney

By Claudine Zap, Yahoo!

Thu, Feb 17, 2011, 12:00 am PST

Don't expect a "bump watch" from Clooney's girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis any time soon, or ever. The Italian model and actress told Cosmopolitan that getting pregnant was never an objective: "My maternal desires are fully satisfied with my dogs."

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And surely, George Clooney is one of them.

2010-12-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

Drip ... drip ... drip .......

Q: What is trickle-down economics?

A: It's a bunch of rich guys pissing on you when you're down and out.

2010-12-11T07:49:00.000-08:00

Fauxbama

My new name for our perfidious prez.

2010-12-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

Stop the Music

Those fucking chipmunks!
And what's worse is
all the carols
have four verses.

2010-12-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

Buyer's Remorse

Just realized Barack Obama's initials stand for "bend over". How fitting.

2010-12-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

Flying Without Wings

I had a parakeet named Pete
who said to me one day,
Teach me how to meditate
like a lark who is learning to pray.

I told him, First, you fold your feet.
Then close your eyes and say
over and over (repeat, repeat)
"Namaste ... namaste ... namaste".

For weeks the chanting parakeet
could only rock and sway.
But one day he started to levitate
and he blissfully floated away.

2010-11-22T06:32:00.000-08:00

Beware of Cats Bearing Fangs

(New York Daily News) A Bronx couple who ran an animal shelter have been hit with a $2 million lawsuit by a woman who claims she was given a "crazed" hellcat that viciously attacked her.

Retired waitress Barbara Pinchbeck, 70, says she wanted to adopt a friendly feline, but Jamie and Alan Turell brought her a black cat with a bad attitude named Wheezer.

The feisty furball went berserk on its first night in Pinchbeck's Putnam County home, leaving her with serious injuries, court papers say.

"It was snarling, hissing and bearing its fangs," Pinchbeck told the the Daily News at her home in Mahopac, N.Y. "It leaped 6 feet in the air and landed on my hand. It bit through my two fingers."

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It's unnecessary to point out that the cat was bearing its fangs. Cats always carry their fangs with them.

2010-11-21T15:19:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Hymn

Spare the turkey
Hold the ham
Skip the duck
And leg of lamb
Thursday night
Before I eat
I'll give thanks
I don't eat meat

2010-11-14T05:36:00.000-08:00

Bush Book is a Heavy Lift

(Huffington Post) Former President George W. Bush is back in the spotlight as he hits the media circuit to promote his new memoir Decision Points.

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Deception Points would have been a better title.

2010-11-13T08:19:00.001-08:00

The Windbags of My Mind

Like a circle in an oval
Like a rhombus in a square
It's a geometric lyric
And it's going God knows where
It is somewhat asymmetric
In a most peculiar way
And it stumbles and it bumbles
Without having much to say
The contraption keeps revolving
Till at last the gears fall out
And we're left to wonder
What the hell the song was all about

2010-10-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

Men Behaving Badly Through the Ages

Samson toppled the pillars in Gaza.
Sheen demolished a suite at the Plaza.
Charlie was drunk, and high on cocaine.
Samson was blinded; they'd cut off his mane.
Sheen was found shit-faced, without any clothes.
Will he get jail time? Nobody knows.

2010-10-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

R.I.P., Fran Crippen

When we drop a live lobster in a pot of water, and then gradually turn up the heat until the lobster stops moving, we do not say that the lobster died of "overexertion". Nor do we say the lobster died of a heart attack.

2010-10-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

"Some are more equal than others" (George Orwell)

Jerusalem (CNN) -- The Israeli Cabinet has approved an amendment to a citizenship law that requires new citizens to declare their loyalty to a "Jewish and democratic state," the prime minister's office said Sunday.

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A "Jewish and democratic state" is an oxymoron. Israel's right-wing, Zionist leaders can't have it both ways.

2010-09-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

Revelations 101

Atlanta, Georgia (CNN) -- Five days after the first of four lawsuits claiming he coerced young males into sexual relationships was filed, Georgia pastor Eddie Long will take to the pulpit Sunday to tell his side of the story.

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Will "his side of the story" be the front side or the back side?

2010-09-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

Farenheit 9/11

Maiming, mutilating and killing hundreds of thousands of people who read the Qu'ran isn't anti-Islamic, as long as you don't burn a copy of the book. Burning the book sends a bad message.

2010-08-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

Too Little, Too Late

From theatlantic.com:

Ken Mehlman, President Bush's campaign manager in 2004 and a former chairman of the Republican National Committee, has told family and associates that he is gay.

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Big deal. Everyone knew Mehlman was gay. That's what made his actions so despicable. If I may coin a phrase, people who live in glass closets shouldn't throw stones.

2010-08-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

Morning Ablutions

I step into the shower
and wish I had a man
to wash all the places I can't reach
and some of the places I can.

2010-08-19T05:58:00.000-07:00

Location, Location, Location

From nytimes.com:

Archbishop Offers to Mediate Islamic Center Controversy
Javier C. Hernandez
Published: August 18, 2010

Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church in New York, said Wednesday that he would gladly help mediate between the proponents and critics of an Islamic center and mosque planned for a site two blocks from ground zero.

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I say build a new Catholic Church on the proposed site in lower Manhattan and let the Muslims move into St. Patrick's Cathedral in midtown.

2010-08-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

Thinking Ahead

We're fighting two wars, at a cost of trillions of dollars. It's critical that we raise taxes on the rich. How else can we afford to invade Iran?

2010-08-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

Count Your Blessings

CNN TV: They stole his bike. They stole his lap-top, too. The interviewer asked him if it was a special laptop "in Braille". The on-screen caption read "Thieves steal bike from blind student". Thank God they didn't steal his car.

2010-07-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

One, Two, Three, Four .....

When it's time to go to bed
I lay my body down
But I can't sleep
So I count sheep
And all of them are brown

(Kim Kardashian)

2010-07-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

Remembering Phil

He loved me in April
and left me in May.
He gave me the world
and then took it away.
He hated New Jersey,
so he didn't stay.
He moved back to Vegas
where prostitutes play.

2010-07-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

The Devil Is In The Details

From earthtimes.org:

Reykjavik - The body of excentric chess genius Bobby Fischer was exhumed from an Icelandic cemetary Monday to clarify a paternity claim.

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Two typos in the lead sentence, yet they spelled Reykjavik correctly. Go figure.

2010-07-05T09:10:00.000-07:00

You Can't Be Too Careful

From the topics.nytimes.com article on W.S. Merwin:

He has said that he used his initials because doing so seemed serious and adult, in the manner of T.S.Eliot and W.H. Auden.

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Could it be that the poet avoided his given name, William Stanley Merwin, because it is an anagram of "wearily immanent swill"?

2010-07-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Plan B

Why write a sonnet when you can tweak a few lines from W.S. Merwin?

White whale
Now that we are sending you to The Happy Ending
That great god...
Tell him
That we who follow you on Twitter invented forgiveness
And forgive nothing

2010-07-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

Song of the Great White Whale

More happiness than heaven will allow
A song by Pink, a chocolate bar -- and Thou!

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These are the last two lines of a sonnet about Al Gore's encounter with a massage therapist. Something tells me I shouldn't be writing it backwards.

Too late now.

2010-06-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

Breaking News

We don't know how
to plug the hole,
but we can score
a soccer goal.

2010-06-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

The Empire's New Clothes

Thanks to our leaders, we're losing the war.
But leaders don't fall on their swords anymore.
The jig has been danced, the tune has been sung.
It's time for McChrystal to fall on his tongue.
It's time for Obama to bring the troops home.
It's time to remember what happened to Rome.

2010-06-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

A Prediction From Deeplip's (Mc)C(h)rystal Ball

The general tearfully tenders his resignation. Obama graciously accept it and puts it in a desk drawer. Then, a game of hoops, followed by a cold beer with wingman Joe Biden in the Rose Garden.

2010-06-23T02:11:00.000-07:00

Do You Measure Up? Take Deeplip's Test

After getting so many email solicitations from unsuitable men, I decided to simplify things by creating a test to be taken by all prospective suitors.

The test questions are easy, and the scoring shouldn't be difficult for anyone with basic math skills - and if you don't have basic math skills, I'd prefer not to hear from your ass.

This test is still in the beta version - I just worked it out this morning. I'll probably need to tweak it a bit, but here it is:

1) Age of the man

2) divided into his IQ

3) plus the weight of his brain in ounces

4) minus the weight of his prostate in ounces

5) divided by the number of nocturnal trips to the bathroom

6) minus the number of times he awakens his bed partner when he gets up at night to pee (note: if he turns on any lights, he fails this test)

7) plus length of erect penis, in inches ( I prefer small ones, but apparently, I'm in the minority. I've skewed the test to reflect my preference. Size queens can modify it by subtracting penis length.)

8) plus number of nightly erections (men under thirty); weekly erections (men under fifty); monthly erections (men over seventy). Zero points for morning wood. I like to sleep late, and at my age I'm pretty scary looking when I first wake up.

9) add the number of dependent children

10) divide this number into his average annual income for the final score

The higher the number, the better.

Example: John is 70; his IQ is 140 (bright guy!) - so he's a 2 so far.

His brain weighs 45 ounces, so now his number is 47.

He has BPH, and gets up to pee all night long, so now he's down to about a 14 (all numbers are approximate).

Subtract from 14 the number of times he wakes his partner (4) when he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. John now has 10 points.

Add four inches for his boner ( Ken, are you reading this?) Now John's at 14.

Add monthly erections (11- thanks to Viagra) and his total is 25.

No dependent children so he stays at 25.

John nets around thirty thousand a year, so he ends up a 1.2 (Remember, all numbers are approximate.)

John gets one bonus point for having hair and another bonus point for having most of his own teeth. He tops out at a 3.

The bonus points assure that no man ends up with an ego-deflating minus number.

Update: This is an old post. I'm reposting it because there's always a chance the right man will read it.

2010-06-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

TRENDING NOW ON YAHOO!

1. Khloe Kardashian
2. Anna Paquin
3. Barry Bonds
4. Summer Camps
5. Amanda Knox
6. Alicia Keys
7. Liam Neeson
8. Patio Furniture
9. BP Oil Spill
10. Wedding Registration

2010-06-08T05:03:00.000-07:00

Bad, Bad, Oil!

Fickle oil slick scatters its threats across Gulf

By Bill Kaczor, Associated Press Writer
1 hr 18 mins ago

PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. – In sensitive marshes on the Louisiana coast, oil thick as pancake batter suffocates grasses and traps pelicans. Blobs of tar the size of dimes or dinner plates dot the white sands of Alabama and the Florida Panhandle. Little seems amiss in Mississippi except a shortage of tourists, but an oily sheen glides atop the sea west of Tampa.

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Why blame BP when we can blame Mother Nature? We name hurricanes. Why not do the same with oil spills? This latest disaster should be named "Jezebel".

2010-06-07T04:28:00.000-07:00

You Go, Girl!

From Yahoo!

Tom Cruise proves he can match Jennifer Lopez move for move, even while he's in costume.

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But can he do it backwards, in heels?

2010-06-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

Chaos Are Running Rampant In Academia!

From CNN.com

Turkey emerges as Middle East leader
By Henri Barkey, Special to CNN June 3, 2010 7:26 a.m. EDT

Editor's note: Henri J. Barkey is a professor of international relations at Lehigh University and a visiting fellow at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace. He is co-author, with Graham Fuller, of "Turkey's Kurdish Question" and editor of "Reluctant Neighbor: Turkey's Role in the Middle East."

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In his article, Barkey states that "Erdogan and Turkey received many kudos for the Israeli-Syrian talks". More kudos, let us hope, than Professor Barkey and his editors.

2010-06-03T06:05:00.000-07:00

Ignorance Is Bliss

Lead story from themoneytimes.com:

Less US teens worried about unwed motherhood -- study

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And fewer editors are worried about bad grammar.

2010-05-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

Too Little, Too Late

After setback, BP vows to 'redouble' efforts (CNN.com)

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In other words, for five weeks, they were doing only half as much as they could have been doing to stop the oil leak?

2010-05-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

Change We Can Believe In

I'm all fired up and ready to go! Anyone know where I can get a "John Favreau in 2012" bumper sticker?

2010-05-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

The Devil Made Me Do It

Two comments from nytimes.com:

Larry Eisenberg
New York City
May 23rd, 2010
3:02 pm

Politics has its ups and its downs,
Its pats on the back and its frowns,
Loyalty is shortlived,
Easily negatived,
On winners you eagerly pounce!

Deeplip
New Jersey
May 23rd, 2010
4:44 pm

A message to poetry man:
Please stick to the rules, if you can.
Your limerick wobbles,
So count your syllables
Or else it'll rhyme, but not scan.

2010-05-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

Rand Paul's Macaca Moment?

(AP) "I like the Civil Rights Act in the sense that it ended discrimination in all public domains, and I'm all in favor of that," he said. "I don't like the idea of teling private business owners -- I abhor racism ... I do believe in private ownership."

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He'd have no house, no food, no clothes, no phone, and no car if private business owners refused to sell to ophthamologists.

2010-05-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

There is no N-A-Z-I in A-M-E-R-I-C-A, but there is in A-R-I-Z-O-N-A

Let's take the word Nazi out of Arizona. We'll need to rename the state.

Too bad "New Mexico" is already taken.

2010-05-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

It's Not Easy Being Green

I feel no sympathy for women who complain that they have to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince. My sympathy is with the frogs. They are being used.

2010-05-06T06:04:00.000-07:00

Another One Bites The Dust

Newsweek for sale (kansascity.com)

The Washington Post Co. is putting Newsweek up for sale in hopes that another owner can figure out how to stem losses at the 77-year-old weekly magazine.

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Rupert Murdoch will buy it and change the name to Newswack.

2010-05-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

Barack, We Hardly Knew Ye

Obama Seeks CEO Advice on Economy at White House

By Roger Runningen, in businessweek.com:

May 3 (Bloomberg) -- President Barack Obama is soliciting the views of corporate leaders including JPMorgan Chase & Co. Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon and Caterpillar Inc. CEO James Owens on the economy and financial regulation at a White House dinner.

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The farmer is soliciting the views of foxes on how to run the hen house. I can't believe I made over 4,000 phone calls to help get this man elected.

2010-05-04T05:09:00.000-07:00

Funny As Cancer

From usamagazine.com:

At Saturday's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner in Washington, D.C., President Obama cracked up the star-studded crowd with a few pop-culture digs.

Obama declared a warning to the Jonas Brothers, who attended the affair. "Sasha and Malia are huge fans but, boys, don't be getting any ideas. I have two words for you: predator drones."

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And I have two words for you, Mr. President, and they aren't Happy Birthday.

2010-05-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

Memento Mori

Time moves on.
It always does.
And soon we go
from is to was.

2010-05-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

BAD (W)OMEN

The irony of Tiger Woods finishing in 140th place in a tournament called Quail Hollow is delicious.

2010-04-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

The Blame Game

Was Bret Michaels on the blood thinner Coumadin? He probably was, since it is routinely prescribed after surgery. Doctors say his appendectomy was not related to the stroke, but if he was taking Coumadin, that would explain why he hemorrhaged less than two weeks after the operation.

Count on the medical establishment to bury this all-too-common, albeit disastrous medical error and shift the attention to a previous head injury, his diabetes, or his "lifestyle".

2010-04-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

Kumbayarrgh

Asheville, North Carolina (CNN)

President Obama prayed Sunday with the Rev. Billy Graham at Graham's mountaintop home before leaving North Carolina to attend the memorial service for 29 West Virginia coal miners killed in a recent explosion.

Obama became the first sitting U.S. president to visit Graham at his family home, according to Graham spokesman Larry Ross. He is the 12th president, dating back to Harry Truman, to meet with the so-called "pastor to the presidents."

"I am pleased to have had President Obama in my home this afternoon," Graham said in a statement, adding that Obama sought the meeting while on vacation in Asheville for the weekend. "My son Franklin and I enjoyed a brief visit with the president, followed by a time of prayer together."

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Two notorious religious bigots, father and son, praying with Obama. That's pathetic -- and more than a little bit creepy. Personally, I prefer Jeremiah Wright.

2010-04-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Vocation, Vocation, Vocation

Gene Lees, 82; Jazz Writer, Biographer, Critic, Lyricist

by Matt Schudel Washington Post, April 24, 2010

Gene Lees, a multitalented writer who left a lasting mark on jazz as a biographer, opinionated critic and graceful song lyricist, died April 22 at his home in Ojai, Calif., after a stroke. He was 82.

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"Graceful" wouldn't be the word I'd choose to describe Lees' lyrics. "Clunky", "maudlin", and "trite" all work for me. Good thing he was a jazz journalist, biographer and critic. If he'd been a gym teacher or a bus driver, he wouldn't have had the opportunity to collaborate with the likes of Bill Evans and Tom Jobim.

If he were not such an important and influential member of the jazz community, would any of his lyrics ever have seen the light of day?

2010-04-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

This Side of Plagiarism?

From Jazz Corner (Facebook)

Previews going on now for "This Side of Paradise: A New Musical about Zelda and F. Scott Fitgerald with music and lyrics by Nancy Harrow.

Click on http://www.paradisethemusical.com/ and a song begins to play. The first line of the lyric is, "For ev'ry Gatsby, there's a Daisy". The melody is from Harold Arlen and Leo Robin classic, "For Ev'ry Man There's a Woman", the only difference being one extra note that Harrow added to accomodate the extra syllable in the word "Gatsby".

For evr'y man there's a woman, for ev'ry Gatsby a Daisy, and for ev'ry song, a songwriter who, intentionally or not, rips it off.

2010-04-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

All Circuits Are Busy

From Livescience.com

Why We Can't Do 3 Things at Once

For those who find it tough to juggle more than a couple things at once, don't despair. The brain is set up to manage two tasks, but not more, a new study suggests. That's because, when faced with two tasks, a part of the brain known as the medial prefrontal cortex (MFC) divides so that half of the region focuses on one task and the other half on the other task. This division of labor allows a person to keep track of two tasks pretty readily, but if you throw in a third, things get a bit muddled.

"What really the results show is that we can readily divide tasking. We can cook, and at the same time talk on the phone, and switch back and forth between these two activities," said study researcher Etienne Koechlin of the Universite Pierre et Marie Curie in Paris, France. "However, we cannot multitask with more than two tasks."

The results will be published this week in the journal Science.

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Yahoo! News ran the following headline: "Study suggests humans can't do more than 3 things at once".

Yup. Three's the limit. Especially if one of those things involves reading, thinking or writing.

2010-04-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

Larry King Seeks 8th Divorce

Los Angeles, California (CNN) -- CNN talk show host Larry King and his wife, Shawn King, each filed for divorce Wednesday in Los Angeles Superior Court.

Both cited "irreconcilable differences" in their filings.

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Age and height?

2010-04-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

Fun With Koans

Greek Buddhists believe
that a kudo is the sound
of one hand clapping.

But they can't say that
in a haiku, because it's
ungrammatical.

2010-04-13T05:13:00.000-07:00

Three's A Crowd

How many men over 6'6'' can hide in Oprah's closet at the same time? How many if she's in there with them?

2010-04-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I removed three contrarian comments from an increasingly racist and hate-filled anti-immigration thread on Facebook.

I removed them because I didn't want to be part of the discussion. I then became the subject of the discussion, and it got even uglier.

2010-04-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

Truth in Labeling

Joseph Ratzinger picked the wrong papal name for himself. A more fitting name than Benedict XVI would be Maledict I.

2010-04-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

For Christopher

A sonnet isn't very hard to write
If all you try to do is make it rhyme
But if you want the rhythm to be tight
The fucker's gonna take a lot of time
The tricky part is DUM dee DUM dee DUM
Not even Shakespeare's sonnets always scan
Not all of them are perfect -- only some
And still we say that Shakespeare is "The Man"
Because it's not enough to follow rules
And DUM dee DUM does not a sonnet make
And it is safe to say that only fools
Would say to break the rules is a mistake
A sonnet cannot be a work of art
Unless, like yours, it's written from the heart

2010-04-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Maya Angelou!

Tomorrow is Maya Angelou's eighty-second birthday. I wrote a tribute to her a few years ago, which I am re-posting in her honor. My poem is a bit dated, but then again, so is hers.

Ain't That Bad? (after Maya Angelou's poem of the same name)

Dancin' the funky chicken
Eatin' ribs and tips
Diggin' all the latest sounds
Drinkin' gin in sips
Dancin' the Beer Barrel Polka
Eatin' Kielbasa and kraut
Diggin' that funky accordian
Lettin' it all hang out
Puttin' down that do-rag
Tighten' up my 'fro
Wrappin' up in Blackness
Don't I shine and glow?
Puttin' down that hairnet
Loosenin' my bun
Wavin' my babushka
Ain't I havin' fun?
Hearin' Stevie Wonder
Cookin' beans and rice
Goin' to the opera
Checkin' out Leontyne Price
Hearin' Frankie Yankovic
Fixin' some knishes
List'nin' to Liberace
While I dry the dishes
Get down, Jesse Jackson
Dance on, Albert Ailey
Talk, Miss Barbara Jordan
Groove, Miss Pearlie Bailey
Get down, Lech Walesa
Z. Brzezinski, too!
Write, Joseph Conrad
(CONRAD? Heck, who knew?)
Now ain't they bad?
An' ain't they Black?
An' ain't they Black?
An' ain't they bad?
An' ain't they Black?
An' ain't they fine?
Now ain't they bad?
An' ain't they Polish?
An' ain't they Polish?
An' ain't they bad?
And ain't they bad?
An' ain't they Polish?
An' ain't they fine?
Black like the hour of the night
When your love turns and wriggles close to your side
Black as the earth which has given birth
To nations, and when all else is gone will abide.
Pink like the first blush of morning
When the sun comes up and turns darkness into day
Pink like a cervix when it's giving birth
And a layette when a baby girl is on the way.
Arthur Ashe on the tennis court
Mohammed Ali in the ring
Andrew Young and Andrew Watts
Black men doing their thing
Andrew Golata in the ring
The Pope in the Vatican Court
Roman Polanski and Rubenstein
Pink men of every sort
Dressing in purples and pinks and greens
Exotic as rum and Cokes
Living our lives with flash and style
Ain't we colorful folks?
Dressing in navy and white and beige
Knockin' back vodka mash
Livin' our lives with zest and grace
Ain't we got panache?
Now ain't we bad?
And ain't we Black?
An' ain't we Black?
An' ain't we bad?
An' ain't we bad?
An' aint we Black?
An' ain't we fine?
Now ain't we bad?
An' ain't we Polish?
An' ain't we Polish?
An' ain't we bad?
An' ain't we bad?
An' ain't we Polish?
An' ain't we fine?

2010-04-03T05:40:00.000-07:00

Monotheism for Dummies

The Big Enchilada

God is male. He’s old, he's white.
His beard is long, his asshole’s tight.
He watches everything you do.
And then he throws The Book at you.

2010-04-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

No Teacher Left Behind

An angry listener called in to New Jersey 101.9 this morning to complain about the previous caller.

She identified herself as a teacher and said, "If he thinks teachers have it so easy, and teaching is such a great job, he should have went into teaching."

Ouch!

2010-04-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

Robin Meade, the perky morning news anchor at HLN, reported today that a priest in New Mexico had written a letter to Pope Paul VI in 1963, urging him to "defraud repeat (sexual) offenders".

What the frock?

2010-03-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

It's A Man's World

From the Life Extension Online Newsletter:

New study questions benefits of removal of ovaries during hysterectomy

Removal of the ovaries (bilateral oophorectomy) while performing a hysterectomy is common practice to prevent the subsequent development of ovarian cancer. This prophylactic procedure is performed in 55% of all U.S. women having a hysterectomy, or approximately 300,000 times each year. An article in the March/April issue of The Journal of Minimally Invasive Gynecology suggests that this procedure may do more harm than good (see also Elsevier Health Sciences).

William H. Parker, MD, John Wayne Cancer Institute at Saint John's Health Center, Santa Monica, CA, provides a comprehensive analysis of the medical literature relating to the benefit of oophorectomy at the time of hysterectomy. His investigation includes studies of post-hysterectomy cancer incidence, all cause mortality, cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis and hip fractures, coronary artery disease, and a number of other conditions. He concludes that, on balance, removal of the ovaries is not generally warranted for all women undergoing hysterectomy. In women not at high risk for development of ovarian or breast cancer, removing the ovaries at the time of hysterectomy should be approached with caution.

__________________________________________________

The most recent comprehensive data on vasectemies come from a study published in The Journal of Urology in 2006, which estimated that about 527,000 vasectomies were performed in this country each year.

Hmmmm ... I wonder how many men had their testicles removed to prevent the subsequent development of testicular cancer?

My guess is zero.

2010-03-24T15:25:00.001-07:00

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Ann Coulter!

From nydailynews.com:

Firebrand conservative Ann Coulter's lecture at a Canadian college was cancelled Tuesday night over fears students would riot over racist remarks she made to Muslims.

Security at the University of Ottawa scrapped the right-wing darling's talk when more than 2,000 students showed up to protest her telling a Muslim student Monday to "take a camel" as an alternative to flying.

Coulter's tasteless comment came after previously she told a gathering that Muslims shouldn't be allowed on airplanes and should take "flying carpets."

The camel quip came when Muslim student Fatima Al-Dhaher challenged Coulter on the remark - and told her she didn't have a flying carpet.

"What mode of transportation?" Coulter responded. "Take a camel."

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When she flies, what is Ann Coulter's mode of transportation? A broomstick?

2010-03-24T04:13:00.000-07:00

Life is an apple.
Death is the worm at its core.
I take small, slow bites.

2010-03-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

Tube Socks, Ties, and Trust

From nydailynews.com:

Forget the tattooed homewrecker, the headlines and the heartbreak: It's not too late for Oscar-winner Sandra Bullock to save her five-year marriage, experts say.

The ugly public revelations that husband Jesse James cheated on Bullock are painful but not fatal for the couple's reeling relationship.

"Sandra would have to get to a place where she could give her husband the gift of trust," said Dr. Flo Rosoff, a marriage counselor.

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After five years of marriage, he wanted something that his wife couldn't give him. He wanted the gift of "strange", and who better to give it to him than Michelle McGee.

2010-03-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

One Size Queen Fits All

FROM IN TOUCH:

When Sandra Bullock thanked her bad-boy husband, Jesse James, as she accepted her best actress Oscar for The Blind Side, she may not have known that while she was away shooting the film, Jesse was carrying on a steamy affair with a tattoo model. While Jesse has had an 11-month affair, including five weeks of sex, with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, she believed he and Sandra were no longer together. "I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man," Michelle tells In Touch in an exclusive interview. "He gave me the impression they were separated." For weeks, while Sandra was in Atlanta shooting The Blind Side, Michelle had sex at least once a week with the Monster Garage star. Far from a one-night stand, his relationship with Michelle was intimate and highly charged. Michelle even says she called Jesse, who didn't wear underwear or condoms, by a special pet name, Vanilla Gorilla, because he was so "well-endowed."

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So Jesse James is a vanilla gorilla? An adult gorilla's erect penis is less than two inches in length. If she wanted to compliment him, McGee picked the wrong animal. Maybe she should call him a honky donkey, if he's, um, "packing".

2010-03-01T04:13:00.000-08:00

Close, But No Cigar

Obama still using nicotene replacement to fight smoking

By Margaret Talev
McClatchy Newspapers

WASHINGTON:
President Obama continues to struggle to quit smoking and has a slightly elevated cholesterol level, according to the doctor who conducted his physical Sunday at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md.

The exam lasted about an hour and a half, and the president is in good health, according to a summary by the physician who performed the exam, Dr. Jeff Kuhlman.

The report said the president weighed in at 179.9 pounds with his shoes and workout clothes on. He has an enviable body mass index of 23.7, but his doctor wants him to modify his diet to get his LDL cholesterol, now 138, below 130. The president is still using nicotene replacement therapy and the doctor's recommendations include continuing his smoking cessation efforts.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The president might want to switch to nicotine therapy. The results of nicotene therapy are unproven.

2010-02-23T05:52:00.000-08:00

Daddy's Little Girl

(ChattahBox)—The daughter of the disgruntled anti-government pilot who deliberately crashed his plane into an Austin, Texas IRS building, after burning down his own house, says her father is a “hero” for standing up to the “system.” Joseph Andrew Stack flew his Piper Cherokee airplane into an office building housing nearly 200 IRS workers, killing himself, one other person and injuring many others. It was a miracle that there were not more fatalities, as investigators suspect that he tore out the seats in the plane and loaded it up with additional fuel, to create a larger explosion.

-----------------------------------------

The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree.

2010-02-12T09:49:00.000-08:00

Fit as a Fiddle

From ABC NEWS:

Clinton, 63, was released from New York Presbyterian Hospital's campus at Columbia University early Friday morning "in excellent health".

-----------------------------------------------------

"In excellent health". I guess that means that after a quadruple bypass in 2004, further surgery to remove scarring and fluid build-up in 2005, and now the insertion of two stents, he wouldn't be turned down by an insurance company because of a pre-existing condition.

2010-02-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

Here We Go Again

From "The Year of No Clothes" (TIME.com)

Since last September, a group of women have been on a fashion fast, refusing to buy any article of clothing for 12 months.

Are the editors at TIME on a grammar fast? Just asking.

2010-01-31T07:14:00.000-08:00

Dirty Old Men And The Women Who Love Them

Every time I see the TV ad for "Crazy Heart", I cringe. Jeff Bridges, who plays a "down and out" songwriter, looks like a derelict sorely in need of three hots and a cot. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays his love interest, and that's where my gag reflex kicks in.

Are we supposed to believe an attractive thirty-two-year-old woman would fall in love with a broken-down, sixty-year-old drunk? The answer is yes, and if Bad Blake were played by Clint Eastwood, the answer would still be yes.

Ewwww.

2010-01-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

Is the Gray Lady Getting Senile?

From NYTimes.com

So It's Granny's Fault?

Recent statements by Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of South Carolina has cast him as the gubernatorial candidate of heartless civics and has stirred encouraging furor.

--------------------------------------------------

Since when do subjects and verbs not agree? And what on earth is a "heartless civic"? Eheu!

2010-01-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

Don't ask if the glass
is half empty or half full.
The glass is broken.

2010-01-22T07:07:00.000-08:00

Put Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

From The New York Times UrbanEye:

Eating For Haiti Relief

There's still a lot you can do to contribute to the Haiti relief effort. Start with the telethon on Friday night, which will feature performances by just about every pop star on the planet, and on Sunday or Monday make plans to visit one of New York's top restaurants, which are participating in Dine Out for Haiti. The Modern, Fatty Crab, Babbo, ilili and the Waverly Inn are among those on a long list of restaurants that will donate up to 10 percent of sales to charities. Bring a big appetite, proceeds will be distributed to Action Against Hunger, Doctors Without Borders and Partners in Health.

..................................................

Better yet, stay home. Eat beans and rice, or my personal fave, stir-fry, and donate 100% of the money you saved by not eating out.

2010-01-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

History or Chutzpah?

Opening line of a TV ad for Perillo Tours:

Let us take you back five thousand years ..... to Israel!

2009-12-26T11:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas Isn't Just For Kids

I haven't been to the dentist in eight years. I can't afford to go. I wrote a song called, "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Back Teeth" and sent it to Santa. So far, I haven't heard back from him.

2009-12-25T05:56:00.000-08:00

Bah, Humbug!

The Three Wise Men saw a star and went to a manger. We see an ad and go to the mall.

2009-12-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

MERRY CRASSMASS!

Only Ten More Days Until January 2nd!

I've got an idea for a song. Actually it's a medley of two songs - Silent Night and White Christmas - and it's called Silent Christmas. Get my drift?

And I wrote a couple of Yuletide poems:

A CHRISTMAS POEM

Those fucking chipmunks!
And what's worse is
all the carols
have four verses.

REVENGE OF THE NON-BELIEVERS

A different kind of Christmas
A topsy-turvy day
Santa's in the manger
Jesus drives a sleigh
The toys are in the chimney
And there, for all to see
Rudolph's screwing Mommy
Underneath the tree

2009-12-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

Wake Up And Smell The Cyanide, Piano Man

Billy Joel: Alexa will be fine; mom is with her

December 5, 2009 By NEWSDAY STAFF

Billy Joel said his daughter will recover after law enforcement sources said they responded to a report of a suicidal female at Alexa Ray Joel's Greenwich Village apartment Saturday afternoon.

Joel told Newsday Saturday night that he was deeply shaken but that his daughter was never in any danger because she got to a hospital quickly.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Never in any danger? She tried to kill herself, and if her roommate hadn't discovered her, she might have died.

Somebody needs to pull Billy Joel's head out of his ass, and get him some help, before Alexa tries it again, and succeeds.

2009-11-30T12:01:00.000-08:00

Tiger, Tiger, taking flight
In the middle of the night.
What athletic Nordic maid
Dare pull him from his Escalade?

2009-11-30T05:27:00.000-08:00

Why Won't Tiger Talk to the Cops?

By Soraya Roberts DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
Monday, November 30th 2009, 7:45 AM

Cops are stepping up an investigation into whether an act of domestic violence occurred in Tiger’s lair. The Florida Highway Patrol is seeking a search warrant to find out if Tiger Woods’ wounds are consistent with a car accident or an assault, The request comes after Woods and wife Elin Nordegren cancelled an interview with police officers for a third time.

---------------------------------------------------

He's growing a beard.

2009-11-29T08:17:00.000-08:00

Don't Quit Your Day Job, Sam Iamb

It takes a special sort of man
To write a poem that doesn't scan,
And post it on the message board.
Far better that it be ignored,
Since rhyme alone will not suffice,
Just stick to prose is my advice

2009-11-25T05:19:00.000-08:00

Spelling Bees are for Sissies

India to memorize victims of Mumbai terror attacks on first anniversary

NEW DELHI, Nov. 25 (Xinhua) -- India will hold a series of activities Thursday to commemorate the first anniversary of the Mumbai attacks which killed more than 170 people, reported the Indo-Asian News Service on Wednesday.

The events will include a candle-light vigil, a police parade, an all-religion prayer meet at the Gateway of India in central Mumbai, facing the Taj Mahal Hotel which was controlled by the terrorists one year ago for three days, said the report.

2009-11-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

The busy little bumblebee
Flits from flower to flower
She drinks the nectar when it's sweet
Not when it is sour.

2009-11-01T06:05:00.000-08:00

Crouching Typo, Hidden Meaning

From TIMESONLINE:

The Palestinian leadership today accused the United States of “back-peddling” on the key issue of Israeli settlement growth in the West Bank after Hillary Clinton, the visiting Secretary of State, suddenly praised Israel’s prime minister for making “unprecedented” concessions on the issue.

----------------------------------------------------

"Back-peddling" works for me.

2009-10-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

Pints for prostrates: One man's beer battle against cancer

This intriguing cnn.com headline popped up on my Yahoo! home page. Does he drink lying down?

2009-10-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

Winning Hearts and Minds

BAGHDAD (AP) – At least 85,000 Iraqis lost their lives from 2004-2008 in violence, the government said in its first comprehensive tally released since the war began.

The report by the Human Rights Ministry came out late Tuesday as part of a larger study on human rights in the country. It said 85,694 people were killed in the four-year period, and 147,195 were wounded during the same period.

The toll counted Iraqi civilians, military and police. It did not cover U.S. military deaths, insurgents, or foreigners, including contractors or U.S. forces.

The Associated Press reported in April that government statistics tracked 87,215 Iraqi deaths from 2005-February 2009, a toll very similar to the latest figures released.

The Iraqi death toll has been a hotly disputed subject and critics on both sides of the political spectrum have accused the other side of manipulating the death numbers to sway public opinion.

As Iraq became increasingly violent following the 2003 U.S.-led invasion, it also became increasingly difficult to independently track such figures on a wide scale.

The number obtained by The AP was a minimum count of violent deaths. The official who provided the data to the AP, on condition of anonymity because of its sensitivity, estimated the actual number of deaths was 10 to 20 percent higher because thousands are still missing and civilians were buried in the chaos of war without official records.

--------------------------------------------------------

Well, they attacked us first. They didn't? Whatever.

2009-10-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

The High Cost of Health Care

Forty-five thousand people die every year in America because they are uninsured. But let's look at the bright side. If they are denied treatment, they won't be among the 300,000 people who are admitted to hospitals and then die because of medical mistakes. Doctors are the third leading cause of death, right behind heart disease and cancer.

2009-08-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

Getting Away With Murder Just Got Easier

From Hollyscoop.com

Murdered Model Identified By Implants

When Jasmine Fiore's body was discovered in a dumpster in Buena Park, Ca. her fingers had been cut off and all of her teeth had been pulled out, but thanks to the serial number in her breast implants, Police were able to identify her and start the investigation into her death. "We actually have had several cases where we identified the victim or the defendant in that way," Orange County District Attorney spokeswoman Susan Schroeder tells People. She says implants carry serial numbers "because of the potential for recalls."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Susan Schroeder's job is going to get a lot harder. Thanks to her press release, savvy killers will lop off the breasts of women with implants before dumping them, fingerless and toothless, in the trash.

2009-08-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

Patronizer-In-Chief?

At a town meeting on health care in Grand Junction, Colorado, President Obama addressed each of the three women with questions as "young lady". The first woman looked to be fiftyish, the second woman could have been in her mid- thirties, and the last woman was elderly.

I'm sure he would have objected if Lindsey Graham had addressed Sonia Sotomayor as "young lady" during the confirmation hearings.

It's ok to call us women, Barack. That's what we are. And could you lose the "boy/girl" routine? We expect more from you.

2009-08-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

Grab Your Love Handles and Spread 'Em

HOUSTON (AP) – An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol. The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

The 500-pound man was searched during his arrest and again at a city jail and the county jail, but officers never found the weapon in his rolls of skin. Vera admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.

---------------------------------------------------------

Is that a gun in your navel, or are you just happy to see me?

2009-07-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

Riddle of the Day

When is a black man with a backpack not a black man with a back pack? When he's a Moroccan with a suitcase.